Wonderful, wonderful Menstruation (To the tune of Wonderful Copenhagen!)

Monday April 6^th. Easter Monday

We decided to stay put today and do something local. That was the dog walk which takes meal most to Whiting Bay Golf club.  This time, however, we walked on past the golf course; down to the main round the island road and, crossing almost straight over that, along to King’s Cross Point. Sadly the action we performed at site of our on the beach bonk wasn’t to be revisited owing to the fact I had a visit from Uncle Tom and knowing our weird Menstrual Synchrony Laura would be following suit either today or tomorrow.  Plus there seemed to be a lot more folks about than last week.

In a breather between parties of grockles we did have a serious snog and fondle. I was able to wriggle my hand down the front of Loll’s walking trousers and make my fingers disappear into a warm wet cavern I found there. She had a quiet, sighing orgasm into my ear but then pulled my hand out of her trousers and told me someone was coming. I told her I thought she just had.

I am not sure how squeamish Laura was before becoming my significant other but my OCD about cleanliness may have rubbed off over the subject of periods. I have tried having sex during the time of the month in the past but it is just bloody messy fucking – literally! One of the guys I tried it with was so grossed out we never had sex again. Richard and I indulged when my mouth wasn’t sufficient to satisfy his desire. (This was very infrequent actually – he seemed to enjoy shooting his load into my mouth more than into in my vagina. That could be too much information.)

Maybe she had heard the old biddies along the path but I hadn’t. If my hand had been deployed a dozen second longer we’d have been caught in the act. Fully clothed, obviously, but there would have been no doubt as to what was going on.

The biddies were heading to Whiting bay and then on to Kildonan if they hadn’t tired themselves out in the process. We joined with them and walked back to the settlement. They all decamped into the café for a libation Laura and I kept on walking back to the van where we had our own libation sitting on the van’s deck. After about half an hour the group of biddies walked past the wall, so we popped our head over and had another chat with them. They were surprised that I was the owner of the caravan and wasn’t just a tenant. I didn’t bother explaining that Dad and I had bought it between us, but I did tell them I thought ours was the only site that didn’t let the owners let the vans out to other people.

After they’d toddled off for the fairly longish walk round to Kildonan I was instructed by the slim blonde I live with to remove my garments and get ready to have the earlier compliment repaid. Did I need asking twice?

We then showered together and prepped out evening meal.

A quiet night was spent snuggling on the sofa.

Tuesday 7^th April.

Despite the situation regarding menstruation I decided that the two Glens walk could be a good one; Glen Sannox, over the col and then Glen Rosa. This was a good suggestion as far as my body was concerned but the walk was not as enjoyable as I had thought it would be. The Sannox bit was quite pleasant and the climb to the col quite easy really, it was Glen Rosa that was dullsville. It was too long and got more and more tedious as we walked along it. It just went on for ever and being enclosed on almost all four sides it had a very limited vista.

This short entry is testament to one of my not very good suggestions. For future reference the word is out: stay high – avoid the valleys!

Wednesday April 8^th

Synchrony does exist. Laura is now with Tom too! Ha!

In light of the fact I bummed out with my walk suggestion yesterday, we decided to do some old favourites today, a morning and afternoon in one spot each.

Morning: King’s Caves. I love these caves, they are really interesting. We parked up at the usual car park and walked the widdershins way round the route – it is the better way. At the caves we had ‘an explore’ and then spent an age doing some more stone balancing. I wonder why it is only here on the whole island that we do this? Anyway it is fun. We had the silly idea that back in Cumbria we’d pinch a series of stones from the beach (yes, I know it’s illegal) and using his drill we’d put holes in them all to make a balanced stone sculpture for the garden there. Dad had a pile of weird old thin steel rods in his garage which would be ideal for threading through the rocks.

We had our packed lunch at the caves and cogitated that it was just our luck for us to be both bleeding at a time when the sodding place was deserted. We could have bonked in plain sight on the beach and not been disturbed at all! Actually, knowing the way Fortuna rolls the dice, we’d have been indulging our passion just as a coach party of biddies arrived or worse; a school trip from a boys’ school!

Afternoon: Machrie Moor Stone Circles. I love these too, even more than King’s Caves, to be honest. There is something so awe-inspiring about a belief system that was so out of touch with any kind of modern science yet made the people create these things thousands of years ago. I feel the same way about Cathedrals, to be honest. They are another example of the total wrong headedness of religion inspiring people to do crazy things for no plausible scientific reason at all. Churches are just the logical extension of the mass delusion of religion. Wonderful examples of mass delusion, but deluded just the same.

As usual there were hardly any people about at the circles and we had time to explore each one and go up to them if we wished and hug them (something you can’t do at places like Stonehenge, for example). We didn’t hug every one but some just yearn to be touched. [Yes, that is me getting delusional too.]

We had a stop off in Blackwaterfoot on the way back round to WB for a cuppa and a bun and then did a slow cruise round the southern tip of the island encountering hardly any vehicles, apart from the bus service. Pladda from the road above Kildonan looks so inviting, I have decided to investigate if there is a way for us to visit it.

Back at the van we had our meal and chilled out again on the deck until it got too cold then we snuggled on the sofa and watched a couple of our backlogged TV programmes from my PVR.

Thursday April 9^th.

We were going to do a high peak today but instead we succumbed to the temptation of the Auchrannie Spa once more. Especially as last time we went we were given a discount voucher for another visit. We walked Callie along the beach at Brodick and then found a shady spot to park at the Spa so we could be pampered for six hours!

Hydrotherapy, massage, hot stone treatment, facial, manicure, swimming, Jacuzzi we had the works. It was interrupted at about 1pm when I went and took Callie for another stroll so that she wasn’t left abandoned in the boot for an excessive amount of time. I’d left Laura in one of the Jacuzzis when I went to walk the woofie; when I returned she was with four other people. Two couples. It turned out that the two guys made a bee-line for my blonde bombshell when they spotted her, all on her ownsome, but their spouses quickly appeared to spoil the guys’ fun! Ha!

We had a long chat with the two women after their hubbies had wandered off to the pool area. They were from Glasgow and hinted that they worked for the Health Service but didn’t go into any more details. Once again we had the surprise when they discovered Laura was doing a Pure & Applied Maths degree and was about to take her finals. We should be used to it by now I suppose.

They seemed a really nice pair, obviously the tempering influence on their husbands / partners / whatevers. We left the Jacuzzi and did a few lengths of the pool, not up to our usual standard but as we hadn’t really swum any distance for almost a fortnight it loosened up the joints.

The massage was great. I love a good pummelling of the muscles and that was what we got. The Spa which Mum and I go to have a couple of excellent masseuses and the woman who attacked my muscles was just as impressive. I felt as though I could leap up Goat Fell afterwards.

We had a takeaway Chinese for our evening meal, which we bought in Brodick and drove back with in our insulated bag. It was still piping hot back at the van. After snarfing down our food and a suitable rest we drove round to Kildonan to seal watch until the light faded. We headed into the hotel for a swift libabtion and we once again treated to the ministrations of a couple of lads who wanted to chance their arm. (As it were.) They had no chance at all and I am afraid to admit I was a mite sarcastic. OK, very sarcastic,

They gave up after being insulted for a while and we finished our drink in peace. The hotel had a very nice un-oaked Chardonnay which met with my approval, Loll was the driver tonight. All in all a very enjoyable and pampered day.

Less open air naughtiness, more strenuous walking.

Friday April 3^rd

Activity:

Brodick Castle and grounds. A good half day on each. Dodged the spots in the castle, pm after an extensive walk in the grounds, am with Callie. Had a bite at the castle’s café for lunch. Their Brodies Earl Grey Tea was delicious.

Weather:

Dodgy. Fine at first, but had to keep dodging the rain at times. Luckily it rained whilst we were in the castle. Phew.

Refreshments:

Lunch in the castle. Evening meal a large home-made chicken casserole with veggies.

Incidents:

Whilst spot dodging we found a sheltered spot under some pines which was very dry and we were naughty in the open air again. We seem to have done this a lot on this holiday. [No description will be given.]

Evening meal:

See Above.

Note: I expected there to be a lot more people about with it being the start of the Easter Holidays for most people. Brodick was busier but everywhere else seemed devoid of people.

Saturday April 4^th

In an attempt to avoid Bank Holiday Crowds today we went to Lochranza and then did something a little bit mad, we caught the round the island bus to Catacol. We could have walked the route round he coast line but thought a swift bus ride would avoid have to keep Callie under close control for the couple of miles round to the place of the Apostles.

Disembarking near Fairhaven we strolled along Glen Catacol  heading inland, although a shortish way along the valley, our route took a 90 degree detour left up to the rocky outcrops of Madadh Lounie. I have no idea how you pronounce those words in Gaelic but they seem to look like mad rocks in two different ways, LOL.  There was madness even before we got there as we had to negotiate a ladder stile over the fence. Callie is not so good at these and needs a bit of a leg up. I was going to climb down the other side to help her descent but the mad dog just leapt off before I could get there. Her front legs went from under her and she bashed her chin into the ground. I rushed over the stile but it seems that she was fine. She did the dog thing of just bouncing. I opened her mouth to examine it, in case she had bitten her tongue – she hadn’t. I did get several slobbery licks as a reward.

Mad Loony rocks are on a spur between two rivers and afford a good view across the waters of the Kilbrannan sound to the Kintyre Peninsular. We are planning to drive along there next week sometime.

Our walk was up to Meall Mor with the plan to have a big bite at the distillery afterwards. This was a much more uneventful stroll than we expected although the two burns we had to cross to get to the grassy knoll which forms the summit of MM was much wetter than anticipated. I suppose it is all that rain the island has had over the last few days [weeks, months, years?]

Owing to the fact we had a meal planned at the distillery, we had a meagre set of rations at the summit. I suppose the simplicity of the walk itself meant we didn’t actually need a lot of reviving at the top, although a cup of hot sweet tea from our flask is always welcome.

We had seen a few walkers ahead of us in Glen Catacol  but none of them went our way at the bifurcation(it probably looked a bit too steep) so we had the fell top to ourselves. For once we didn’t indulge in al fresco fornication – mainly because we felt so exposed up there.

We toddled off eastwards and joined the Gleann Easan Biorach this leads you directly to the distillery, you do not pass go and do not collect £200. We passed the distillery as we’d parked up at the end of the bay overlooking the castle and views north. We drove back to the distillery car-park and had a late lunch there. We both had the 10oz venison burger which was absolutely mad, in keeping with the loony experiences of the day. (Oh, it was very tasty, quite mad, but delicious.)

I bought a couple of bottles of the Lochranza blended whisky (which I love) and a bottle of the Burns Single malt. Well, you can’t go to a distillery and not buy whisky, can you?

Brodick, when we drove through seemed much busier than it had been on the rainy Good Friday, which sort of bodes ominous for Easter Sunday and BH Monday. I think we’ll stay close to Whiting Bay to avoid the tourists.

Naturally when we got back we had our usual shared shower and the extra benefits that usually brings but I won’t go into details.

Sunday April 5^th Easter Sunday.

We had a couple of Easter eggs each this morning. I don’t mean we ate them, we just gave them to each other. We will ration them out over the coming week.

We drove ourselves out to Sannox after breakfast and parked up at the picnic area. Our plan was to stroll along the coastal path to Laggan and then up to the top called Fionn Bhealach. We have walked this before so we knew roughly what to expect.

There is a great path from the picnic area which starts out like a real unmetalled road and then becomes a seriously well-defined route along the coast line. It becomes a bit rocky at first but, unlike the foot of the Doon, here there is a really well made path which avoids the pitfalls (and possible pratfalls) that walking through largish rocks can bring.

We explored the raised caves a bit further along, which have the appearance (at first) of stone tents. Laura thought they would make a good place for a swift bonk, but I said that I would expect everyone and their Dad to come and explore them as they look so inviting, we could end up giving out a free sex-show if we got started. We did have a stop for a long snog and fumble though.

Past the cottage at Laggan we headed up the hill following a set of zig zags which made the effort so much easier than the climb out of Glen Catacol yesterday, that climb was up the sides of a U shaped valley!

The rocky ridge on the edge of Fionn Bhealach is called Creag Ghlas Laggan, which is a bit confusing. I will have to look up what those gaelic words mean. At a cairn we had to head off southwards on an almost pathless expanse of moorland (if we’d kept walking we’d have hit Lochranza).

We had our lunch at the trig point which loomed up eventually and took in the view. To the north over Argyle and Bute they looked like something from a calendar, south we had the island, the firth and the Ayrshire coast. East was a steep drop down to the path we’d followed earlier (with what looked like a coach party walking along it). West was the brilliant ridge of fell tops that ring Glen Sannox. There was the profile silhouette that seems to have so many different names, we know it as the sleeping giant.

A sleeping midget began to rear its ugly head as we started to try and find our way down the ridge to the car park, a tingling twinge below by tummy button which usually means I am about to get a visit from Uncle Tom.

Even ugly than prospective menstruation was the boggy mess that the ridge down to the picnic area becomes. We ended up aiming for a point and squelching through the muddy bits – there were a lot of muddy bits. There is a path, of sorts, which appears and disappears with startling alacrity. We lost it completely and just headed for the burn, which involved an undignified crossing of a fence an hoicking a muddy dog over too. Not Fun!

We eventually found the path back to the picnic area. Phew.

Subsequently we learned that the easiest route is to drop down to the road and follow that down to the picnic area turn off.  Callie went into the burn of her own accord and so only wet the boot of car rather than muddy it up as she sometimes does.

Back at the van we dried off the dog, shared a shower and cooked our fasta pasta for tea. Our desert for the night was a chocolate easter egg. Yummy.

Sex on the beach? (Does toying count?)

Monday March 30^th.

Rain, rain, go away, come again some other day – please!

I think today has to have been the rainiest day so far (if such a word exists). It was stair-rodding for a while over the shelter of the headland behind the caravan site and we decided that a voyage out would just get us soaked unnecessarily. We stayed put and diligently applied ourselves to our respective tasks, me sewing and Loll ploughing through her revision timetable as though her life depended on it.

When I told her this she said, “Actually, it does, if you think about it. My grades will mean the difference between doing a Masters and having to find ‘real work’.” I thought this seemed an odd perspective to take. When I did my Masters, I did it because I wanted to. I gave up a well-paid, full-time job at the solicitors, for part-time versions of both activities. That I love working at XXX & Y Solicitors is evinced by the fact I am still part time there now, despite being an RA as well!

Laura talking about it as something to put off work was a slightly worrying take on her future. We will have to discuss this at some time in the future – definitely not before she sits her finals though!

Once again, by mid-arvo the clouds had whizzed away to drench Glasgow and the other cities of the mainland, leaving us basking in the damp afterglow of the rain and wind. We took ourselves round to Kildonan (again) you can never get tired of watching seals basking and at play. We sat in the car and listened to the bollox spouted by politicians about the upcoming election (on BBC Radio 4’s PM Programme) we decided that putting the seals in charge would probably be much better for the country. Some MPs are so fat and bloated after lining their pockets at the tax-payers’ expense they could easily be replaced by seals and no-one would even notice. The smell of fish would easily be better than the smell of corruption that surrounds the bastard politicians.

After the 6 o’Clock News and David Tennant back on “Just a Minute”, although not as spectacular as on his first appearance a few weeks ago when on his first ever topic he did the whole minute, non-stop! I can’t remember a debut like it on the show. We giggled our way across to the Kildonan Hotel and treated ourselves to a cooking free night.

It may be a sign of my influence on the blonde stunner who shares my life and bed, but she ordered the mussels! I was gobsmacked. She has often snagged a few of mine when I order them but this must be the first time my West Cumbria has ordered them off her own bat. (TBH, I was a bit miffed as I was going to have some but she beat me to the draw.) As it would seem extremely twee of us to have the same item I settled for the sea bass. This was an excellent choice, though, as it was delicious.

We just had to have the same dessert, lemon meringue tart. It was like my LM Pie but with a different sort of filling of lemon and the meringue was nothing like the way I prepare it. That being said, it was just as wonderful.

This time we were the object of scrutiny of a group of lads who came in while we were eating but who obviously lacked the courage of the Lagg Lads to wander over and chance their luck with us. 

Maybe the Lagg Lads had warned the Killie Boys? Maybe these were the Lagg Lads spruced up a bit and looking smarter? You could see the group of them looking over at us and whispering to each 

other.

I pointed them out to Laura as we were finishing off our wine – a really nice un-oaked chardonnay, as it happens – and she said, “Let’s give them something to think about then…” she half stood up, leaned across the table and kissed me. Full on the lips and lingering. I responded and we spent a few uncomfortable seconds stretched across the table playing wind up the locals.

She went to the bar and paid the bill as I gathered up my belongings. She was smiling as she came back, I could tell some comment or two had passed between them when she was squaring up but she didn’t see fit to tell me until later.

One of them had made a comment about how he could show her a thing or two that her girlfriend (me) couldn’t. He reply was that she (meaning me) knew exactly what to do to please a pussy whereas you lot (them) look as though you think a pussy is a four legged creature that’s happy with a saucer of milk and being shut in their Gran’s barn to catch the mice!

I am glad she didn’t tell me until we were in the car as I hooted. Where does she get it? OK, I know, it is a case of watch and copy!

After an endorsement like that I asked her if the feline needed stroking immediately or would be happy to wait the few minutes while we drove back to WB. She told me she would drive and I could start the petting once the car was moving. She had to move my hand away before we hit WB as she was getting more and more distracted by my actions.

The only downside to all this erotic activity is I know we’ll both get a visit from Uncle Tom next week which will dampen our ardour!

Tuesday Mar 31^st

There seemed to be less likelihood of rain today – according to the local web-site weather forecast but we decided to stay close to the van and do something we have not done before – a walk using the Paddy Dillon book which I bought from the newsagent in the village yesterday morning. I snapped it up because it is published by Cicerone Press and they have done some really good walking guides for the Lakes (obviously not Wainwright but good for route ideas).

We decided to try The Sheeans and Glen Cloy. Not straight away, though. We are working (and walking) to Laura’s revision timetable. Having been there myself in 2009, I know just how invaluable getting the revision right is, so I am not going to put any obstacles in her way. That she is undoubtedly brilliant with numbers is a given but it isn’t a good idea to leave anything to chance.

While she was working I made us a vegetable soup with the remainder of the vegetables from our shop last week, which we ate for lunch.

The walk starts from the car park at the top of the slope into Brodick – it is height gained for nothing, which I like when fell walking. The bumps themselves form a sort of ring above the town and harbour to the south side and give an impressive view across the water to the higher fells and the other islands further up the Firth of Clyde. The downside was the mud in the wooded bits. Some of the rides were a bit claggy underfoot – this is hardly surprising given the amount of rain that seems to have fallen during March.

The path way is quite clear in the wood but less distinct out on the fell itself. The first rocky outcrop we reached was Sheeans itself. From there we could see the ring of other tops quite clearly and also discern a faintish route between them. They are a bit like the rockiness between Loughrigg Fell and the Langdale Pikes in the Lake District, being a hodge-podge of rocky protuberances which are scattered along a ridge of grass, boggy, moorland type vegetation. Here, though, the ridge is in the form of a circle enclosing a number of burns which all head down to Brodick.

From Sheeans we hit (in order) Cnoc Breac, Tor nan Dearc and finally Cnoc Dubh – which, frankly, was underwhelming. The route followed a spur for a while and then lost height heading for Glen Cloy. This is the only downside of what up to now had been an interesting if easy stroll. In order to get back to the car we had to re-enter the woods and climb back up hill. [Note to Mr Dillon, please don’t end a walk with an unexpected ascent. It is a bit sould destroying.]

To be fair, if I had read the map correctly I would have spotted the climb back up the burn to hit the forest road once more. So perhaps I need the note, not Paddy! The wood paths was once again a bit of a muddy mess in places and Callie seemed to revel in getting herself muddy. Luckily we found another small burn near the car park where I was able to entice her into a pool to remove the majority of the clag on her fur.

For so short a walk we ended up a pair of sweaty Betties, so as soon as we had dried off a damp doggy we hit the shower and cleaned each other thoroughly. After we had dried off we adjourned to the bed room for what we expected to be a profitable exploration of what we had just washed but what actually ended up being a surprise sleep instead.

Any early night was agreed upon after our meal but this time we didn’t sleep for a while.

Wednesday April 1^st

Poisson d’Avril.

Today we decided to follow the shore line after Laura’s morning revision.

I planned to catch the bus to Brodick and walk back to WB via the Cnoc na Dail stone circle and then on along the water’s edge through Lamlash to KC Point and home. The height climbed is minimal and the views are out of all proportion to the effort required.

The route takes us through the delightfully named Fairy Glen (we encountered none) up to the stone circle at Cnoc na Dail – which is not all that impressive to be honest but the views of Holy Island are stunning to make up for it.

We had a cuppa and bun in one of the cafes in Lamlash, feeling like typical tourists in this most touristy town on the whole island, we then struck out for Kings Cross Point and the van. At the point I had a surprise. We had a sit and an apple each and Loll reminded me we had almost bonked here earlier in the holiday. I remembered the feeling of bottled up passion when the bloody tourists appeared before we could get it on. Laura, as if by magic, pulled out one of our toys from the side pocket of her day-sack and told me we should find a sheltered spot and get busy.

The best place was round past the “Viking boat” and round to the shore line. Here Laura made the toy miraculously disappear – not an easy task when wearing walking trousers. In a most undignified position, with my trews about my knees I was brought to the height with the use of a pink plastic, see through penis administered by a thoroughly naughty blonde who looks like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth!

I was all set to return the favour but she said no, once was chancy twice would be definitely pushing our luck. You don’t argue with a statistician over probability. I was trying to persuade her, however, by running my fingers over the outline of the object of my desire in her trousers when, sure enough, a couple of lads climbed down onto the shore where we had and began walking towards us. Phew.

If they had appeared about five minutes earlier they would have met a sight to set their pulses racing.

We chatted with them for a while and walked back into WB with them. They claimed to be students from The U of Glasgow but there is no way of knowing if that was true. Once again, they couldn’t believe that Laura was studying P & A Maths – that happens all the time. They were here for the week and were hating the weather we’d had. We sympathised but explained it helped Loll’s revision time table no end, so we weren’t as upset about the rain as they were. We left them at the café as they stopped for a brew, we strolled back to the van.

Laura almost literally pounced on me when we got in and I returned the favour with the toy ten-fold. If she had said something like, “Let’s invite them back and f*ck them…” do you know, I would have gone along with it in a second. Whilst I was hiding our toy and licking her little love bump to make her squeal I wondered if I would have had them both if I had been alone. Once she began on me again with a second of our toys I knew I wouldn’t.

Most men have no idea what makes us burn with desire; they are only too keen to shoot their load and then stop. Laura keeps me simmering for ages and ages. It is like a form of ecstatic torture. Even if I had been with both of those guys, by the time I reached my sixth or seventh O with Laura they’d have been spent and useless for over an hour!

Thursday April 2^nd

Another dryish day today. We enjoyed our coastal walk so much yesterday we decided that we’d do something similar today after Laura’s revision session. We caught the round the island bus to Lagg and then headed off to do the coastal stretch from there to Kildonan.

We jumped off the bus at the post office and wandered out way through the double settlements of Kilmory and Lagg , visiting the Torrylin Cairn burial chamber on the way down to the shore line. 

This is another Neolithic site but unlike the Giant’s Graves it seems to have been plundered over the centuries. All that remain are a few standing stones and mounds. I suppose the temptation to steal ready quarried stones is understandable – look at how Carlisle Castle is made from Hadrian’s Wall stone (allegedly).

It was a pity there wasn’t a chambered cairn, it would have been impressive (the best example I have visited – at Wayland’s Smithy has a real feeling of being somewhere special and sacred). I know I am being irrational and foolish, but it is undeniable that these ancient people had a design and purpose for their structures and that sort of means they deserve a sort of reverence. I feel the same way when I enter a Cathedral; I love the structure and the architecture and decoration whilst the empiricist in me realises it is a structure built on metaphorical sand. All religion is merely superstitious mumbo jumbo, but the fact this set of fairy tales inspired the building of such places is both inspiring and saddening. 

It affects me every time.

Having had a good old wander round the site, we tramped off down the burn to the shore line and our stroll along the water’s edge to Kildonan.  The plan was to scoff our late-ish lunch somewhere near Black Cave and then head to seal spotter’s heaven making sure we were there by 6.15 pm or we’d miss the last bus back to Whiting Bay and would have to walk (or get a taxi).

Black cave looks quite impressive. I bet seen from the water it is even more so. It is set into what looks like a cylindrical column of rock, in the bottom left corner. I know it isn’t a solid column but that is just its appearance. There is a small opening way up on the left hand side that lets in light to the cave but on exploration proved to be terribly slippery, because of the constant inundation with the tides, making it a serious danger to climb out with being belayed from above. I had a good old scramble about and found it too risky.

It is, however, possible to scramble up the high window on the west side and maybe be lowered down, but I had left the climbing stuff back in Whiting Bay (we had only really brought it on spec, anyway). The scramble is quite a challenge in one part but otherwise do-able. Laura preferred to sit at the bottom and watch her human fly girlfriend cling to the rocks alone.

It was a wise decision on her part, in the end, as the wind was whipping the water from the waterfall, almost adjacent to the top opening right across me at times. Despite donning my kag, my trouser legs got drenched. As we’d passed nobody on the walk so far I took them off and fastened them to the loop on the top of my day sack to billow in the wind and we wolfed down our sandwiches as we walked on. I must have looked pretty weird walking along in a mini skirt. It was actually my kagoule which came down to my mid-thigh but with no trousers visible below. I do have a couple of dresses which are this short, but usually I am wearing them to a function in town where it is a common enough sight. Luckily my knickers were dark blue and would only be seen if I had to bend over (I have the same over-exposure problem with the dresses to be honest, LOL).

After less than half an hour my trousers were dry and I was able to cover my immodesty as we approached Kildonan.

We had a cuppa at the hotel and caught the bus back to Whiting Bay as we’d planned. Joy of joys as we entered the van, our oven timer had obviously worked and the delicious smell of a beef stew assailed our nostrils. I missed up some dumpling mix and whacked them into the tureen then joined my companion in the shower for a thorough wash and indugence.

The stew was great, the wine delicious and the new Boxed Set of “Orange is the New Black” DVDs proved a good way to spend the rest of the evening.

Our plan for tomorrow is more touristy stuff – Brodick Castle and gardens. It should be prepared for our visit by now!

No sex in Shiskine. Frogmageddon.

Friday March 27^th.

The rather foolish decision to just bring my tablet has bitten me on the bum somewhat as I am finding my typing speed using the stupid on screen keyboard slower than anything. I realise now I should have brought my laptop as well. So I am going to recreate the “Islanders’ Reports” style of blog for the rest of our visit…

Activity: Blackwaterfoot and the Doon stroll. Took Callie here on what could be the first totally fine day since we arrived. We chose Blackwaterfoot so we could explore the Doon and see if it offered the possibilities for extra-mural sex that somewhere like Alport Castles did. (It didn’t, TBH.) It is just as flat as we remembered but with no secret little hollows or dips in which a copulating couple could hide themselves from view. There was a secondary reason for this location and that was the golf course and the wonderful café on the site. Golf is a good walk spoiled but the café must un-spoil it for the ball thwackers. To those who haven’t indulged in the pastime (it isn’t a sport, technically) there is nothing to un-spoil so it is simply sheer indulgence instead.

Weather: Fine. Clouds in the sky whizzed across but on our west facing beach we had no rain at all from them. It wasn’t too warm, though. It seemed the fell tops got a soaking which sort of makes our avoiding of the wet stuff when we climbed Goat Fell all the more remarkable really. We’ve been on this beach when the wind has sandblasted your face like a fine exfoliant, today was a bit windy but nothing to scrub a way your facial acne. (Not that either of us have any, you understand)

Refreshment: Meal at the Golf Club restaurant. For some reason the golf club is called the Shiskine Golf club even though it is in Blackwaterfoot. We were restricted to the snack menu which meant we had soup and sandwiches. The idea was we’d have this and probably forego a large evening meal. (That’s exactly what happened.)

Incidents: A georgeous companion on a brilliant stroll was unable to have her desires met al fresco, despite a thorough search of the potential bonk site. Added incentive was the lack of people about the place but we curtailed our passion until we returned to WB. Here we indulged taking it in turns to wear blindfolds, whilst the other administered sweet pleasure. OMG

Evening Meal: We snacked out on pastries and Earl Grey tea – our lunch at the Fairways restaurant really was very filling.

Saturday 28^th March

Squashed Frogs! We have had this at home in Sheffield I was surprised to find it today. This morning I walked up towards Gleanashdale Falls for Callie’s first walk and there was frogmaggedon on the road. I counted over 10 squashed frogs (or toads) on the road. It is such an upsetting sight. Although with all the rain I am not surprised it drew them out, I am just shocked so many were squashed.

Today I had to spot dodge first thing but as we (Callie and I) got back it started to rain again. It has been the wettest day so far of our stay.

Luckily you don’t need a keyboard to Skype, so we Skyped everyone after breakfast, Mum, Dad & Louisa, Laura’s Mum and Dad (Eric was out in the lorry), Suze and Pete and the kids. I was tempted to Skype Phil but refrained.

Mum and Tony are good, they seems to be hitting it off really well. I think Mum is smitten. Baby sister Chloe hasn’t put in a repeat of the glass-shattering lung exhibition we had after the Christening, which is good to hear. We tried to get her to see me on their screen but it didn’t work. Perhaps she is a bit young for that yet! The Aus crew can’t believe the weather on Arran has been so wet. Suze joked it was obvious that that cheesy Scottish band were being critical of their climate when they named themselves Wet Wet Wet. Molly was amused by my lack of keyboard limiting my writing of e-mails. She said it must be like me having my hands cut off.

We decided I would do some baking, so leaving Loll and Callie in the van I drove up to Brodick and bought a load of ingredients from the co-op to make some apple pies and lemon meringues. This was a good way to avoid the rain this morning. I called in Auchrannie Resort and got us tickets for a spa session and swim in the afternoon. I didn’t tell Loll about this until we had four cooling items on the racks in the kitchen.

We had a half day’s-worth of treatments and pampering and splashing about in the pool at the Auchrannie Spa. I just love being massaged. We came out feeling refreshed, invigorated and seriously clean. It may be a bit costly but it is so worth it.

A bonus afterwards, it dried up weather wise so we toddled to Kildonan again for another seal watch.

Sunday March 29^th

Losing an hour made no difference to Callie, she still managed to come and get me up at 6 am. Even though in her doggy time it must still have been 5am. Maybe I am reading too much into the actions of my dog?

The promise of less rain made it seem like a good idea to hit Machrie Moor and the stone circles. We only got rained on sporadically.

I love the atmosphere you get at these monoliths. It is astounding to think that even though they were a totally unsophisticated people they still managed to do things like this. There are some standing stones in Northern France we went to when I was little that just stretch away in rows and rows for ages. What was going through the people’s minds when they did this? It shows a huge degree of organisation skills to get the population to come together and do that, I feel.

I would love to have known what stories the people told each other as to why they were putting these slabs of rock into the ground. That is the problem with pre-written language culture, there is no way of understanding the motives behind their actions. This is why I get so cross at all the morons who descend on Stonehenge every year, pretending to be Druids and making out that they know what they are doing. They know absolutely one thing – Fuck All! In my opinion, when things like that happen it simply reinforces the fact that we are only one small step away from reverting back to apes again!

We spend the rest of the day back at the van with Laura working, first of all, on a revision timetable which allows her one session per day if the weather is fine but several if it is grotty; she then spent a couple of hours at work. I punctuated her studies with regular supplies of tea and supportive cuddles. I began my new book, “The Elegance of the Hedgehog”. My friend Laure, in Metz, recommended it and I am struck by it already (OK 150 pages in). The main character, Renee, sounds just like me, as does the suicidal girl. It is a strangely compelling story. I can see why Laure thinks it is one of her favourite books.

Carpet burns from a caravan? Ouch, yes!

Monday March 23rd.

Up with the proverbial larks this morning and after a swift cuppa and slice of toast I walked Callie down the Bullgill Road whist Laura finished loading the car. It didn't need much putting in it, to be honest, as we packed last night. A few minutes later a white Kia Cee'd with a gorgeous blonde driving it pulled up along side me and asked if I fancied some bonking in Scotland. Did I need any asking? [She is getting as rude as me!]

Laura drove all the way to Ardrossan arriving at about 9.15. We decided there wasn't really enough time to scoff at the Asda so we drove straight to the ferry terminal and joined the queue. I took Callie for another walk after we'd done all the paperwork and parked up.

We had a full cooked breakfast on the ferry crossing which was not as smooth as some I have known and on disembarking we headed straight for the Brodick Co-op to stock up with food for our first few day's meals.

The van was just as we remembered. There was one new addition, on a scaffolding pole, attached to the deck by the front corner of the van, was a satellite dish! Dad had explained that he'd bought it so they could watch BBC Look North for the North East and Cumbria whilst up here. It is a none subscription system and needs just a one off card - or something like that. The box of kit itself is also a PVR so now we have two PVRs in the van. Dad thought he would use the Sky Box and I could use the Humax unless the TV programme was something that was only available on the satellite.

Laura set too unpacking our stuff: food and clothes and I spent that time, and then some more, giving everywhere a good dust, hoover and general spruce up. Once I had the place looking as spotless as home we snuggled up on the sofa with a cuppa and a biscuit each. I asked Laura, "Now then young lady, what about this bonking....?" So we ended up messing up the fresh bedding almost immediately!

After a second, post-coital cuppa we went for a stroll around Whiting Bay, familiarising ourselves with our holiday location again. We wandered up the hill past the holiday cottage we had in 2013 (Brook Cottage) and then along past the golf course. This road becomes a track and we followed it all the way to the end - where it meets the WB to Lamlash road. After being a track for a while it becomes a proper road again, as though the planners didn't want to make a rat-run out of it.

Crossing the Lamlash road, we headed over to Kings Cross Point on another road cum track affair. There are  some new house built along here and we both speculated about whether we could cope with being a full time Islander. I could live on this island and become a hermit but Laura thinks she would still want to establish a career. She is still idealistic and optimistic, not a cynical old cow like me!

We spent a while actually at KC Point just drinking in the scenery and feeling connected with the place once again. We'd just started snogging with a view to some al fresco bonking when we heard voices coming towards us from the direction of the WB path. It was a group of wrinklies from the mainland who had caught the round the island bus from Brodick to Whiting Bay and were walking back to Brodick. We chatted with them for quite a while.

One of the guys asked where are your boyfriends? Which I thought was quite rude but Laura told him that men were an unnecessary encumbrance and not worth the hassle. Some of the women agreed and laughed about this but the old chap looked a bit put out. In order to build bridges (I can't think of any other reason why I told this group of retired people) I explained that I had lost my fiance in 2009 and no men I had met since actually held a candle to what I had lost, so I was just ignoring men now. Even the bluster filled old guy seemed to be sympathetic to that.

Loll wasn't, she was a bit annoyed. She wanted to know why not tell them the truth? I tried to explain that rural island Scotland wasn't the same as our big city. These people were probably dyed in the wool, old fashioned believers in heterosexuality and traditional arrangements. I couldn't see any reason to provoke them with our situation.

This lead to a minor disagreement which we quickly resolved with a kiss and fumble. I joked that the next people we met would be greeted with a cheerful, "Hello, we're lesbians. I lick and finger her pussy and she puts her hand all the way inside mine!" That made her laugh and our argument was forgotten. We went on to imagine even more wild and graphic greetings as we headed back to WB.

The evening meal was some salmon we bought from the Brodick co-op, it was delicious. I'd raided Dad's freezer before leaving and taken back one of my apple cakes (it must be getting near its eat by date by now, I made it last year!) so we had half of that for dessert with some custard. Yummy in our tummy.


Tuesday March 24th

We decided to stay local today and we walked the Glenashdale Falls / Giant's Graves circuit again. It is a brilliant little walk and the views are stunning. Being a school day there were hardly any people about and the weather was pretty kind to us too. It was rather blowy but we had our hats, scarves and gloves to protect our delicate extremities. We dawdled a fair bit, and went round to the far side of the falls too. I wanted to check to see if there was any way we could abseil down to the foot of them. The easiest [and safest] way seems to be belaying ourselves down from the viewing platform, then using a Jumar to get back.

We strolled on to the Graves and I do mean stroll as this is about a mile long contour round a forest road, the sides of which have been felled and cleared so there is an uninterrupted view in front of you and to your left as you walk along. All of the peaks of the island are visible at our side, and the glorious Firth of Clyde with mainland Scotland beyond is in front of you.

We ate our lunch at the Graves and then  debated whether we could risk a swift bonk in the open air - like we did at Alport Castles about a week ago. We decided the risk of being caught was too great. We could find nowhere that would hide us as completely as the sink hole things at Alport did. The tree felling here also meant the place could be overlooked from almost all the way along the forest road. We promised to indulge ourselves when we got back to the van.

At the bottom of the wildly zig-zagging path we had a choice, to head back to the van and some mid afternoon bonking or a brief detour to the cafe for a cuppa and a bun. I suppose it must be the nature of living together and having sex so regularly (OK every day when Uncle TOM isn't calling) that we opted for the bun and hot drink!

It was a choice made in heaven as the cafe did a chocolate tart which was unbelievably delicious. Made even more so by me having the last piece and the owner saying that it had been sliced badly so I could have, what effectively were, one and a half pieces. It was so rich I found it a serious struggle to finish it. We had to order a second pot of tea to help swoosh it down and Loll snapped me on her mobile, sending the picture to her Mum as "the cake that ate Vicki!".

Evening meal tonight was homemade beef burgers and home made chips. The air fryer was brilliant for the chips and it didn't stink out the van. We finished off the apple cake and I promised to get the stuff to make a lemon meringue in the morning. I'll probably do two, making one an apple or cherry version as well, that will give us four days worth of desserts.

We delayed our post walk shower until after the meal - we were hungry and we shared the shower, carefully washing each other's important little places. The bathroom floor is a rather cold place to fornicate in late March. We decamped to the lounge and treated each other by the light of street lamp on the road opposite. Even caravan carpets can give you carpet burns. Thanks to an extremely vigorous rodgering with our strap-on, by an over excited Laura, I now have two red and almost raw patches on my back around my hip area. To compound the matter I grazed my knees administering the pink plastic to her afterwards.

Laura thinks this is extremely funny. I think I need lessons in being a substitute man!

Wednesday March 25th.

We took the bus from WB to Corrie this morning as the forecast was for a fine but windy day. We piled out at the foot of the eastern approach to Goat Fell and began to ascend the aforementioned Corbett. (These are Scottish Mountains between 2500 and 3000 feet.)

2 hours later, two hot, and rather sweaty, blonde women were seen swigging hot, sweet tea from a stainless steel flask at the summit of Goat Fell. Yup, it was we! Trying our best not to lose our hats and scarves in the gale which was strikingly absent on the eastern flank of the peak, we struggled on guzzling at the summit for a while before the threat of rain seemed to be imminent judging by the number of low clouds whizzing across the Kintyre Peninsula towards us. We curtailed our cuppa stop and decided to head back down the hill towards Brodick and the Castle.

We passed a few people on their way to the top who were coming up from the direction of Brodick, ones and twos mainly with one group of about seven who all seemed to be weighed down with huge rucksacks. We mentally pitied them their hike, especially if the heavens opened upon them. At the castle we found every thing closed up apart from the visitor centre. The ladies on duty there informed us that the season opened on April 1st, no joke, and we could wander the gardens at will (with our NT cards) but that was all until then.

Somewhat disappointed we trudged on heading towards town. Luckily on the way is Arran Aromatics so we left Callie firmly attached to our day sacks and wandered inside. I wanted to stock up with some more Eydis perfume, as I am almost out. I also wanted see what else they sold in the Eydis fragrance.

I bought myself some more Island Goddess perfume (that's what Eydis means in Norse) and a bath box. Laura bought herself some of the After the Rain collection - Perfume, shower gel and body butter. We actually caught the WB bus right outside Arran Aromatics and we home quicker than we anticipated.

We shared the shower again and Laura's shower gel. Once we were dried I applied her body butter to her back arms and leg but once I turned her over to do her front she stopped my eager hands and directed me to one certain place instead. I am seriously going to have to get some in the Eydis fragrance as I witnessed first hand(s) the effect it had on Loll when it was applied.

We were going to go into the local bar for our evening meal but it was closed. I think it may be up for sale! So we drove round to Lagg and I had their delicious trout, I have had it before so I know what to expect. I didn't expect to get unwanted attention from a pair of chancers, although this has happened back in WB so I shouldn't be surprised! We swiftly sent them packing. What is it with this island and guys? Maybe it is because all the local girls prefer tourists to the indigenous menfolk. Why not, too? No strings; no baggage; no hassle. I think if I was a local girl I would too.

Thursday 26th March

Grottier weather today all round. I actually drove the few hundred yards to the paper shop to buy today's papers (our usual i and Times) and we spent a good hour and a half reading our way through them. The rest of the day we just chilled out with a couple of bottles of wine and some nibbles.

I did a fair bit of work on my embroidery (for the casket) and Laura got on with some Maths revision, which was one of the reasons we decided to spend some time on the island. Her Finals are almost immediately after we return then that will be it as far as her education goes, until she decides whether to do her Masters or not. It is looking as though her previous grades will do the job it just now rests on her Finals. They start on May 25th and go on until about June 13th. The actual timetables won't be out until April 17th; then Laura will have to scan them all for clashes and work out where her venues are located. It seems they could be all over the place again. I guess this is what happens when the campus is scattered about the City and not concentrated all on one site.

By mid afternoon things had brightened up so we went round to Kildonan, seal spotting. As usual there were masses there just basking on the rocks or pottering about in the shallows. I think Callie was pleased to get out and we strolled westwards along the shore line until we came to the waterfall, there we turned back and sauntered to the car.

Back at the ranch I perused the Indian Takeaway menu, phoned through our order and after five minutes zoomed off to collect it. Delicious. I am so impressed by this place. It looks dreadful from the outside (opposite Lamlash School) but their meals are so tasty. We had Rogan Josh and Balti (both chicken) Sag Aloo, Chana Massala, two nans and two rices. I was so starved I wolfed the whole of mine and even managed the bits of her Rogan that Loll had not been able to finish, Poor old Callie didn't get a look in!

I have decided to do the rest of the entries in the style of the "Islanders' reports" of last Easter Time mainly because a lot of the time we are sitting about, reading, sewing or revising. It probably won't make for good blog. I am still going to be taking Callie somewhere each day so there will be some entries.

It is also because I haven't brought my lap top, only my tablet and the typing on the screen is a real colonic irritation! You just can move about the screen to correct mistakes that easily.