Laura's Parents come for a visit.

Friday 26th September

We did the usual routine this morning but this time we weren’t almost late for Uni. The traffic was horrendous though, for some unknown reason, which probably means there was a crash somewhere which caused chaos elsewhere. I discovered there are some 17th Century embroideries on view at the Ashmolean which, I think, may require a visit – the question is do I wait for Felice to get back or do I go myself (with Loll, of course)? I e-mailed my supervisor, who is also not back yet, and asked for advice. It’s called the ‘Eye of the Needle’ but it ends on October 12th. Being in Australia all summer we have missed quite a few interesting workshops and lectures too.

We were planning on climbing on the Roches this weekend but have decided to cancel that instead as Laura’s Mum & Dad are driving down to deliver Laura’s car. It’s a Nissan Micra that her Mum & Dad have been looking after all summer. It’s 10 years old but has done hardly any miles and is immaculate. They are driving down, in convey today from Tallentire and will be staying until Sunday night. It’s the first time they have been down to see Laura at my little house and, like most West Cumbrians, they haven’t really travelled much anywhere in the country at all for pleasure. I guess this is because or Eric’s job, being a lorry driver, when he gets home he doesn’t want to travel. Brother Stephen is being farmed out to his Auntie Avril’s for the weekend as he wasn’t bothered about coming down to Sheffield, even with the promise of a football match to attend!

We have given them detailed instructions on how to get here and told them where a key is available to let themselves in. I have alerted Muriel and Ken to expect strangers at my door sometime after 1 o’clock, and who they’ll be. In order to satisfy their hunger we left some sandwiches in the fridge and put a chicken casserole in the oven to be ready for when we get in from work / uni.

We arrived to find our drive full of cars already and Eric and Molly sat on our back lawn with Muriel and Ken gossiping away like old pals, and Callie snoozing at their feet as happy as Larry. They had been here since about 2.30 and after a cup of tea had taken me up on my offer to collect the chairs from the shed and soak up the sun in my garden. That is what they did and then M & K joined them, bringing their own cuppas with them. We rolled up at about 5.45 to see that they party was in full swing. I had to apologise to M & K as there probably wouldn’t be enough chicken casserole to feed six, Muriel said it their meal was cooked they could join us if that was OK, so all six of us squashed in round my kitchen table (Ikea special) I needed to fetch a stool form the study and cellar so we could all sit.

After dinner, M & K wandered back next door and I let Laura give her folks the guided tour and show them their room for the next three nights. She explained the power shower, too. (There is a switch you have to flick to turn the power bit on; otherwise the water is just a useless dribble.) They liked the room and the house and were pleased that Laura seemed so happy and settled. They asked if all my neighbours were as nice as M & K and Laura waxed lyrical about how brilliant they all were and how we often had ad hoc parties in each other’s gardens. (We have done this several times this year already.)

We talked about Sheffield and the University and our social life. We asked if they had anything they particularly wanted to do and Molly said she’d always fancied going to Meadow Hall, so we planned on doing that in the morning and then heading for the town centre afterwards. Eric said he would mind going to Bramall Lane to see a football match, he was fine with us all asking to cry off. He would be happy just to go by himself. They are playing Gillingham tomorrow, apparently.

The rest of the evening we gossiped about all sorts and everything. They looked at Laura’s assignments from last year and were delighted by the evidence that she was heading for a first. She has repeatedly told them but I guess seeing for themselves is more reassuring.

After a bit of watching TV, something we hardly ever do. I took Callie for her last walk and then hit the charp after my shower. We did warn Molly and Eric that we both tended to shower before bedtime sothey weren’t surprised. Laura actually had hers while I was out with the dog. I guess showering together while Laura’s Mum and Dad are here could be a step too far.

Saturday 27^th September.

We had explained about the dog walking, and swimming so that M & E weren’t surprised if they woke up to an empty house. As it turned out Molly was up when I got back with Callie at 6am! Both of them were up when we returned from the pool and we had a leisurely breakfast. I said that using the Tram was the best way to get to Meadow Hall, as it avoid the traffic and parking, so at about 8.45 we headed for the Middlewood Park and Ride. By 10 we were wandering around Europe’s largest mall (allegedly).

Laura recounted the tale of Kaybers and I being incarcerated her by the security people when they caught us roller blading inside, (the third time they had caught us to be honest). I looked suitably abashed but Molly just said, “that is so typical of you, Missy.” She has known me since I was a baby, I suppose.  

We had a wander round the whole complex and looked in masses of shops. I could see mission fatigue was setting in by about 12, so we decamped to the food court for lunch. It is quite good, but not a patch on the Australian ones; as Laura was keen to point out. (It used to be me that said that, but now she’s been to Freo she can say it too.) We had our individual choices meeting up at the same table to eat. Laura and I kept guard on it while M & E selected their food as we knew already what we wanted and so could get it in minutes.

After lunch we looked round the artisan bit of the complex (by the food court) and then went back to the shops we were planning on buying from. Laura bought a brilliant top and Molly got herself some earrings. We took the tram into town and I directed Eric to Bramall Lane. I explained that if he caught the Tram back to the Middlewood park and ride after the game I would come and collect him from there.

We had a much more relaxed walk through town without a grumpy bloke around, sniffing at every stop we made to look at things. Molly liked the new Moor Market and fell in love with the Winter Gardens, where we had a mid-shop cuppa. We showed her all the places we frequented in the town centre: the Crucible and Lyceum; the Central Library (of which we are both members); Chapel Walk shopping alley and the Cathedral at the end; the Peace Gardens and finally The City Hall. This is the place we spend the most time visiting.

Molly thought the shopping centre was lovely but a hell of a sprawl and we needed some more refreshment before heading up towards the University buildings. She was surprised at how spread out that was too, and scattered rather higgledy-piggledy around the streets of Sheffield instead of being on one dedicated campus like Lancaster was. My building was open so I took her to see my broom cupboard of an office and we were able to go into the library and stun her with the views across the city. When she saw where my old MA work station was, she could see why I said I found it really distracting as I could spend ages just looking out of the window at the view.

After Uni we had a look round Broomhill and we showed her the XXX & Y building, which is also pretty impressive. She was pleased that Laura had been offered a part time job there and was scathing about the fact she was still going to work at Dominic’s as well. Laura explained how her accounting, I both time and money, made the idea of doing both practical and economically sensible too.

We got back to the car at just about the time the football match finished as Eric phoned Laura to say he was waiting at a Tram stop for the next one to Middlewood. I drove us into Oughtibridge and we piled into Dominic’s to see if we could book a table for tonight. (Something we had planned to do but had forgotten.) He went into raptures about the Bella Laura and how she was the goddess among waitresses he had known. We ended up spending so long there, Eric actually phoned to say he’d arrived at the park and ride, so I zoomed off to fetch him to Dominic’s. 

He was chipper because Sheffield United had won the game, it had been very one sided apparently and they looked like they might lose. At the restaurant Dominic congratulated him on having two angels in his family which pleased Eric no end. We arranged to zoom home, quickly get ready and be back at the restaurant at 6.30. I asked Dom if he had any of Hilmar’s wine left. He shook his head sadly but said if I wanted he would let me do a BYO with some and would charge corkage. (He knows he is getting a proper delivery from Reinhardt when the new vintage is ready.)

Changed and spruced and looking like a million dollars (even Eric scrubbed up nicely) we were back at Dom’s at the appointed time. I had the amazing chicken cacciatore which uses marsala in its recipe, the others had varying items from the menu. Dom sang my praises and that of my family in Germany for producing such bellissima wine, even though he had none left. Molly and Eric were very impressed too. Laura told them (and Dom) all about the wine tasting we had done at Margaret River and how some of the wines we had sampled there were even better than Hilmar’s.

A simple short meal took about three and a half hours, as the patron joined us for our coffee after the most delicious zabaglione (my dessert choice, anyway). He told M & E that if their daughter made as good a career in maths as she was showing as a waitress she would be truly unbelievable. I thought he was spreading it a bit thick, but he is very sincere.

Back home we showed M & E the entirety of our Australian films. We have put them onto a DVD so they can watch them whenever they want to. They were impressed by what they saw and could see just how well Laura had been accepted by everyone over there, especially the girls.

We hit the charp relatively early tonight, for a Saturday, I guess the shopping and sight-seeing had taken its toll. Callie had the long walk to make up for being in her palace for so long during the day and then alone again in the house while we were at Dom’s. I don’t think she bore a grudge. Dogs are good like that.

Sunday September 28^th.

Up a little later this morning owing to there being no swimming. Molly was still up by when I got back from the first walk with Callie. We had a long chat while the others were still zed pushing. She is pleased at how well Laura is doing at Uni and wonders if she really will get a First. I told I thought so. She had already been told she should be thinking of a Masters’ to follow it up, and students don’t get told that if they are heading for a second or third. Molly wondered about how she could finance a second degree and I was able to explain the thinking behind her job at XXX & Y.

Mrs Briggs and I had discussed what Laura might do next and she had hit on the idea that she could possibly do what I did: that is do her Masters’ as a two year part-time degree instead of the usual crammed into one year. If Laura was agreeable they could probably offer her work at XXX & Y to help cover her costs. When they did this for me, my salary for a half week’s work, for the two years, turned out to be £17,000 per annum. Molly was stunned. She wondered why Laura hadn’t said anything to them and I pointed out it had only been agreed with the golden girl herself this week. She was actually still thinking about it, and hadn’t made her mind up yet. I asked Molly not to mention it to Laura yet, just in case.

Once everyone was up and breakfasted we set off to Holmesfield, with Laura driving us in her new little car (squashing Callie in the boot space) for what turned out to be a very happy reunion indeed. Molly and Mum were a bit tearful even though they had seen each other last Christmas, when she came up to Dad’s while he was in the Antipodes! That meeting last year was the first time they had seen each other since Mum & Dad’s divorce. Mum was taking charge today and was also giving us our meal later this afternoon.

She drove us off in her car, and we spent the day doing lots of the usual touristy ‘Peak Districty’ things: Chatsworth House (I hadn’t realised how much it was to get in); Bakewell; Caudwell’s Mill; Matlock Bath. It was a whistle-stop tour of some of the best places in the Peak. We finished up in Hathersage for a brunch and a visit to Little John’s grave. Somewhere I had taken Laura before we even became a couple!

The drive back to Mum’s was a mammoth effort that took us up to Ladybower reservoir, and another stop, and then back along the edge of the Peak through Hollow Meadows and Lodge Moor and Ringinglow etc so that M & E could see how close the Peak and Sheffield actually are.

We had an enormous leg of lamb for dinner and one of my apple cakes for dessert! Eventually we departed at about 8.30 for the hour long drive across the city to my little house on the hillside. Even Callie was whacked and seemed relieved when I sent her out into the paddock behind the house instead of embarking on our usual long evening walk.

Despite the parents being across the landing and only yards away from our bedroom, we decided we just couldn’t hold back any longer and we spent a glorious session making love. This time it was Laura who was on tenterhooks that her parents might hear us, usually when we are in Cumbria, it is me in that position, wondering if we will get a surprise visit from Dad or Louisa.

If they heard us (which I doubt as we were quite careful) I bet they wouldn’t have done anything at all. We are grown women after all! 

Over zealous bonking and the problems it causes. (Plus the best 12th Night ever!)

Monday September 22^nd.

Up with the larks as usual and now in the dark for the first time really. I walked Callie and then Laura and I went swimming. Much as I love the pool it isn’t Warnbro’s Aqua Jetty, that is for sure. In fact for a relatively modern building it is a bit scruffy in places. We did our usual 100 lengths and then zoomed home for breakfast. We hit Uni at about 8.45 and went our separate ways. I had a pile of post and papers waiting in my broom cupboard office, one of which was a request to go and see the H of D later on in the afternoon. Gulp.

Using the Uni-net I e-mailed my personal tutees to invite them for their first meetings during the week and then looked over the rest of my stuff. There were lists of the tutorials I had said I could give and times that I will be giving them. I don’t seem to have any lectures but I guess they must be using the resources they have in a way that gets maximum return and they know I will be able to cope with tutorials. I have worked out that I can probably spend three afternoons at XXX & Y this year, which will please Mrs Briggs.

They have changed the key codes to some of the offices and resource areas, which is a bit mad. Change the codes and then send a note to everyone with the new codes on! That hardly seems secure to me! I am just a very tiny cog in a large machine so I will keep my head down and mouth shut. (This is hard for me to do, but I will manage. I managed last year with no problems.)

I found a list of my new personal tutees for this year, nine of them. All women apart from two, wonder what happened to balancing the gender mix in things? I e-mailed all of those too and invited them to a group meeting next week and then we can do individual meets after that initial get to know you session.

My supervisor won’t be around until late October, so I have been instructed to carry on as we have been doing especially with the palimpsests. She didn’t give a reason why. I suppose I don’t warrant one, being the small cog.

There was also a letter from Felice! A letter! That is most unusual. She’s also going to be late back as she is doing something with the Undergraduates who have found placements in France for the year. I think she is visiting some of them as part of her work in the French Department. She also extolled the virtues of a guy called Alain, who she had met and slept with, but then it went a bit mad, as she thought she was pregnant by him. They had a huge row, split up and then she discovered she wasn’t pregnant after all. How can you fit all this into 9 week’s vacation? Her letter is the distillation of her love affair in four sides of paper. Maybe she wrote it down as an act of catharsis? She certainly seems to be over him now. (I thought I used to be promiscuous!)

Met up with Laura and Mandy for lunch. She e-mailed me almost immediately back and was gushing about being back and what she’d done on her vacation and how she was single again but happy. (Is this a trait I am witnessing?) Laura turned up with Marie, one of the students from her Maths course who had also been dumped over the summer vacation! She was a mixture of down in the dumps but full of enthusiasm. I couldn’t help but smile at the human emotions on display so far this morning and it was only 12.30!

My meeting with H of D was pretty much as expected. He appears all vague and wishy-washy but he is very incisive and cuts to the chase immediately. The Department (he loves the passive voice, though) is very pleased to have me on board in a teaching capacity as well as a Research one and it has been following our progress with interest. It thinks our use of the science bods to help locate the palimpsests was a very clever idea and is sorry that what we have uncovered so far doesn’t seem to be anything near as interesting as the Paston Letters. I was told getting myself familiar with that particular cache would be a useful thing to do, especially in light of my tutorial commitments and putting together a detailed description and analysis of the work done by the science bods could be very useful too. I think this was the longest meeting I have had with him since I began my Master’s three years ago, when we talked about my ambitions and how he liked having Cantabrians in the department.

I tidied up about four o’clock and found a slim blonde woman waiting for me as I was trying to fit a quart into my pint pot office.

We whizzed up to XXX & Y and went to see Mrs B. She was delighted that I had managed to get three afternoons free so we sorted out the times and the details of all that. She then said that she could offer Laura a full day and a half in Repro if Laura was available too. She has studied her timetable and was able to fit in exactly with my three afternoons (Monday, Wednesday and Thursday). We were both told that we could add to our hours during the vacations, like I had done so in the past if we wished; I simply had to OK it with her, Laura with her line manager in Repro. We could take our extra hours as salary or as time off in lieu; again that was negotiable at the time, we didn’t have to make a decision straight away.

After our meal we wandered down to Dom’s where Laura was greeted like a long lost relative and then we began the gritty negotiation of hours. She is going to cut down her hours at the restaurant because of the job offer with me. She’ll do Tuesdays and Thursdays and will also do any Saturday we aren’t away in Cumbria or Arran (or where ever). Dom seemed pleased and disappointed. She gets lots of tips from the customers and is well liked by the rest of the staff but she has decided that working at XXX & Y and waitressing and studying in what will be her finals year needs a better balance. Dominic understood entirely. Which was good.

Back home we sat and chatted about what she was going to do after her finals. She is still undecided but her Maths tutor is seriously of the opinion she should do a Masters if she gets the results in her finals. She is not sure and wonders if she ought to start to enter the workplace somehow. She has booked herself a preliminary meeting with the careers service at the Uni for later in the week.

I told her she could have a career as my permanent lover if she liked. She said she would have to sample the good first. So we did; across our sofa in the lounge and again in the shower after I had taken Callie for her last walk.

Tuesday Sept 23^rd.

Routines are what make life easy except when Callie goes rabbit chasing on your routine walk. She hasn’t done this before and was a real nuisance. She did come back immediately but you could almost see her thinking, “Why haven’t you shot it, Mum?” I am taking her picking up this weekend at Wentworth so she had better not disgrace me then!

Sarah, at the pool, is all ready for Thursday’s Quiz and meal at the pub. The Scampis only turned out once over the summer so we will have to head round there and defend our reputation. Laura will be coming too but she says she’s only going to be the team mascot as her brain is full of wool unless there are maths questions. We will be fielding two teams again this week.

University life is already back to normal after being there only one day. I used the morning to meet and greet my new 2^nd years as they must now be called. They were all enthused with the joys of the new term and raring (in varying degrees of enthusiasm) to go. Half an hour each obviously over ran a little bit and I had to complete my last two after lunch. They were quite happy with that arrangement.

Laura lunched with Marie again today and I went to a working lunch thing with the faculty, which was a different event. They didn’t do this last year (or if they did I wasn’t invited). It was a good way to see exactly who was who in the huge department we have here.

I took a first look at the casket and contents again this afternoon and did a count of all the papers we’d found and how many we had actually dealt with. There was still a good three quarters of them waiting to be examined. The task may stretch beyond three years.

We drove back to home and after the meal Loll got ready for her first night back at the restaurant and I Skyped lots of people whom I owed a letter or e-mail. Gran has now got the system and I was able to interrupt her sewing coven for a gossip. One of them asked me to show them my little house so I took the tablet from room to room acting like a room guide for the National Trust! They seemed to like what they saw. They thought it was sweet that I had photographs of the family (including Gran) in frames on the shelves in the lounge. Showed them the newest one, baby Sophie, which got Gran berating her grandson for not having got round to sending her one yet. I had to explain (and save his sorry ass) that I had taken that picture and had it framed myself.

Laura had a surprise waiting outside the restaurant… Me. I had driven down to collect her and we sat in the car back on the front garden and talked about her working at XXX & Y. She is really looking forward to it but is a bit upset she is leaving Dominic short staffed. I told her he had managed throughout the summer well enough, so he couldn’t be too short staffed. She’d not thought of that.

We both walked Callie on the shorter walk tonight and then splashed about in the shower again afterwards. Loll said she thought she needed another sample of the goods again when we tumbled into bed, so we messed up the sheets and got ourselves all sweaty again.

Wednesday September 24^th.

12^th Night; Crucible Theatre.

One word, Brilliant.

I have seen this a few times in my short life. Laura was a first-timer and what a show for your first time. Even Mum, ex-Head Of English, said it was the best production of it she has seen.

It was the Feste who made the difference, he even had a piano to accompany the songs, which he played himself! Often they can be the weak point of a production being fey or wishy-washy, these actually added to the performance, probably in a way that Waggledagger had originally intended. (Although without a piano!)

Laura thought the girl/boy crossing dressing theme was handled really well and said it spoke volumes for Shakespeare’s attitude to homosexuality (I think she may have brought her own agenda to the criticism).

The Malvolio’s come-uppance was doing really well, in that although he is a prat of the first order you did feel sympathy for the poor man and wonder at Maria and the rests’ wickedness in their plotting!

As you can probably tell, I loved it. It is so good we may come and see it again. I certainly going to sing its praises about the town. It goes on tour after its preview here so the rest of the UK will get a chance to marvel at its delights too.

The rest of the day was swimmingly good. We started our work at XXX & Y at 1pm as our Uni lunches start at 12, this means our hours will be even more than we had arranged and when we turned up at the appointed hour Mrs B was surprised and pleased and just told us to log our time as usual with Elaine and that if we worked until 6pm we’d add a fifth more time to our week just with those three hours extra.

Being in different departments means when working here it is sort of like at Uni where we meet and part and meet and part but at least here we are in the same building and have more chance for contact. I round-robined the Quiz team(s) to make sure we were all OK and fired up for tomorrow night.

Back home we had our meal and then quizzed each other for a while with a couple of the quiz books from my shelves to get our minds in gear for tomorrow. This could  have been a mistake as, while I swept through the questions Laura asked me getting only one wrong out of fifty, Laura gave up when she got her tenth wrong answer and her eyes started to fill. I tried to comfort her but she was a bit upset and blubbery and said she was stupid and I had always been much cleverer than she was. This led her to say that she thought she must be a burden to me, not having been to the theatre or classical concerts before she and I were a couple. She must be dragging me down and I would surely think her intellectually my inferior. Oh Shit!

How do you counter an argument like that?

I think I got her to see that I went to those things because I always had done, even as a child, so it was second nature to me and part of what made up my life and behaviour. Just because she hadn’t didn’t mean I thought she was dumb or anything, in fact it gave me so much pleasure being able to take her to see things together. I got a thrill out of the fact she was seeing most of the things with fresh unjaundiced eyes, for the first time. I sort of wished when we went to a show I could go with the same awe and wonder that she had. I tended to be the cynical old fart who compares what she has seen with what has gone before and tries to give it a value judgement based on that comparison. That has to be the wrong way to do it.

I got her to stop crying and just held her for what seemed like ages. Eventually I said, we are different, that’s all. You are so much cleverer than me in many things. I turned to the Maths and sciences pages in the quiz book and asked her to ask me some of those. She did and I honestly got half wrong, not because I was pretending to make her feel better, but because I genuinely didn’t know. I dropped Maths after GCSE and Physics because I didn’t find them interesting and they were hard work.

I think I got her to see that we complemented each other like two halves of one person, what I was good at she didn’t need to be and what she was good at I didn’t need to be. Plus, more importantly than all that, I loved her because of who she was, sweet, gorgeous, funny, clever and caring Laura. Not a Victoria clone but a woman who could be as sharp witted and spiky as I could; who found pleasure in sharing activities with me; who could astound me with her mathematical ability and make my jaw drop with her looks and figure (and unbridled sexuality).

I got her to see that she was putting herself down if she thought I was the superior one and she was the inferior. I mean, what sort of superior creature lets any old Tom, Dick or Harry fuck her when she was drunk, for example? That didn’t show any intelligence; it showed an unbelievable level of stupidity.

She came round to my way of thinking and I got her to smile again. She asked how drunk I was at the moment. I said I was sober. She thought this was a pity as she really wanted to fuck me, to give the climax to beat all climaxes. I had to remind her we were off to the theatre and needed to get a shift on.

I promised we would continue where we had left off after the play. I’ve mentioned the play already. After the play Mum went off to Holmesfield and we rushed back to my little house for the climax to beat all climaxes.

Thursday September 25^th.

The only snag with a climax to beat all climaxes is they can leave you a little sore. I had to be extra careful drying myself after swimming this morning. Back home Laura loving applied some talc to my delicate area and that led to more of the same from last night. She decided fingers might just exacerbate the situation so she used her tongue instead. Naturally I had to repay the favour and we were almost late for Uni.

XXX & Y this afternoon saw a bit of banter emerge between the two factions of The Scampi Tails who’d be quizzing tonight with our second string claiming they were going to win. They bloody did too! The beat us by one point. One measley point.

We still were 1 and 2 in the quiz, much to the disappointment of the other teams who thought they might have seen the last of us when we missed the last two monthly quizzes. Laura was quite cheered by the whole thing and was able to hold her own with us all and was the hopeless case she claimed she’d be. I told her there was more inside her head than she realised and the secret to success was having speedy recall.

The next monthly girly meal is set for two weeks on Wednesday, which should be fun. Loll and I have missed the last two of these as well. It will be at Sandi’s place. She always does something quite unusual so we can’t wait. As we all trooped out of the pub after the evening Chrissie asked if I was OK, I seemed to be walking awkwardly, Laura giggled at the reference but I just laughed it off saying I had been overdoing the pelvic floor exercises.

Callie was surprised by being shooed out into the back paddock instead of a full proper walk but she performed anyway. I had to restrain my energetic young siren from inflicting further damage to my labial regions instead I administered a serious amount of attention to hers instead.

Flying visit from Brother and family: Flying Lancasters too!

Friday 19^th September.

A new start for a new semester.

I phoned Dad in a panic at about 10am reminding him that Laura and I were booked to see the Halle tonight at the Sheffield City Hall. Louisa answered from the car, which was heading along the A66 as we spoke. It was just approaching the Crossthwaite roundabout. Panic Over. They rolled up at about 10.30 so we had time for a shared cuppa, swift gossip and then we flew down the M6, M61, M60, Woodhead Pass, A616 and A6102. I have to say my Kia seemed a heck of a lot faster than Suze’s and mine’s a diesel! Maybe they have restricted them in some way for the Australian market. We hit our front garden at exactly 2.30, which for a Friday afternoon was pretty nippy driving, even if I say so myself. (Our front garden is all gravel and it doubles as a car park.)

We rushed around like blue arsed flies, unloading our gear, stowing it away in wardrobes, drawers or linen baskets. Callie had a swift walk through the back field and I phoned the usual suspects to check in with them all: Mum, Kaybers, Phil, Mrs Briggs, Felice and Sarah being the chief numbers I needed to contact. I couldn’t get Phil or Felice, their phones went straight to answer machine mode.

The concert tonight was the Halle doing a PMM programme: Prokofiev, Mozart and Mussorgsky – Cinderella Suite, PC 21 [Elvira Madigan] and Pictures at an Exhibition. When we had finished divvying about it was still only 3.30 so we sat down and had a rest from rushing around. Julie called round almost as soon as our bums hit the cushions with some milk and a loaf of bread, which she had arranged with us before we left. It is nice to know folk can be totally relied upon. She joined us in a cuppa and a gossip which was only going to be ten minutes but lasted about an hour!

We rustled up a swift risotto from stuff stolen from Dad’s fridge and then putting on our glad rags, waltzed off into town for the first night of our 2014/15 Ents Schedule. We went straight to the bar and ordered interval drinks and waited for Mum. (She was going to meet us in the bar.) I had a mad panic she’d go to the stalls bar but as we were in the Grand Circle I was sure she would find her way upstairs. She did. We have tried to be in the GC for all of the concerts we’ve been to, and as we booked our entire season in advance we had a choice of where we wanted to be. We chose GC, front row, on the aisle to the right of the stage so we are directly opposite the double bass section of the orchestra. These will be our seats for all the shows here.

Whilst waiting for Mum we encountered Mrs Briggs, which was no surprise, as that was why I had phoned her when we got home. We chatted about our summer and she said she would be so pleased to have me back at work as they seemed snowed under. I told her that once I had discovered out what my University commitments were I would call her straight away and try to get something arranged to our mutual benefit. She did broach the subject of Laura possibly working for them again but she had no idea of her timetable either and agreed to get in touch with Mrs B. when she did. Wouldn’t that be great, both of us at XXX & Y again? It might mean Laura could give up her waitressing at Dominic’s in the village, too.

Mum arrived a little breathless, clutching a large G & T, which she had bought in the stalls bar and then realised we must be in the circle bar. The jobsworth on the door was adamant she couldn’t wander about with her drink but she put on her Headmistress face and voice and he relented. I think he was being a pillock as people take drinks into the auditorium so what is the difference going from one bar to another? Mum & Mrs B. get on really well and they gossip on for ages and ages; well up to the five minute bell. Mum had got a ticket directly behind me and Laura (she hasn’t booked the whole season like we did) and she was keen to get to her seat when the bell went.

The concert itself was excellent. Laura has heard the Cinderella Ballet music a fair bit as I do play it a lot and of course she knew Pictures already. She was delighted by the Mozart, who could fail to be? Mum thought the pianist was too cheeky in his playing, I asked her what she meant and she was at a loss to explain it, though! I told her it was the result of too much G & T.  She gave me a sharp poke in the back and told me I was definitely too cheeky!

We decided not to go on to a bar for a swift snorterino, being a Friday night, the town was crawling with plebs and low life types out on the piss, so we said our goodbyes and headed home. (I know that sounds awfully snobby, especially as I have been there and done that in both Norwich and Cambridge, but some of the men can be just caveman like to anyone of the opposite sex.)

Callie had the longest walk before bedtime to get her nose attuned to the old smells she had missed over the last two months. She took an age to go through Hill Top Woods until I was almost tempted to put her on the lead and drag her along! At Onseacre the dozy bugger took it into her head to go downhill towards Coumes Brook so I did have to scoot after her and lead back onto MY route, not hers! Laura laughed when I told her about it and said that it showed the dog was being like its owner, stubborn and wanting its own way. This slightly upset me and I asked if I was really like that, especially as far as me and her were concerned. She realised that I had become worried about her joke and told me that if I ever became like that she would put a collar and lead on me and drag me the way I ought to be going. As if to emphasise the point she said, “Right, Miss Jay. Shower. Now!” and marched me into the bathroom. I didn’t need any encouragement and when I asked, “Please Miss, may I remove your dressing gown from you?” I got back, “There would be bloody trouble if you didn’t!”

I do love her so much. I keep telling her this and she tells me the same back. We are so lucky to have such a good relationship. I felt this as she fell asleep in my arms after our shower and lovemaking. We are just so lucky, full stop!

Saturday 20^th September.

Had our usual swim at the pool this morning, delayed by a long, long, long chat with Sarah who declared she has missed us and our mad life style stories for the past two months. She was so keen to know what we’d been doing and to tell us her news that we invited her to tea this afternoon. Our Aqua Jetty session had kept us in pretty good shape and we managed our 100 lengths as though we’d never been out of the water. (Of course we hadn’t really.)

Laura pointed out to me that we needed to restock the cupboard as we’d be like Mother Hubbard when Sarah came a calling. So after the swim we headed straight to Hillsborough for a mega food shop. We spent £148.37! I couldn’t believe it. I went over to the side after we’d cleared the checkout and went through the receipt to make sure the numbers added up. They did. Phew! This has to be the biggest amount I can remember spending on groceries in a single shopping trip. £148.37. It’s mind boggling.

We pulled in at Sylvia’s for our recommenced newspaper order and ended up gossiping for ages in there too; stopping to let other customers be served before starting again after they’d left. We probably spent a good half an hour in the shop. The newspaper proved a major worry. I finished the Times small cryptic crossword in 20 minutes. That is really bad and well down on my usual time. I thought I had been keeping in practice doing the West Australian cryptic crossword almost every day but obviously it doesn’t hold a candle to the Times level of deviousness. Laura said she would have to put a notice in the Star (Sheffield’s evening paper) announcing the death of my brain cells. I attempted to whack her arm, she caught my hand and we had a moment’s wrestling before ending up on the sofa with her removing my jeans to get her head between my legs! I had just finished giving her love bump a serious seeing to when we had a loud knocking at the door. I jumped up and got back into my jeans leaving Laura to scramble around for her clothes which I had thrown everywhere.

The knocking was Phil, Jane, Peter, Angela and baby Sophie. “Well, here we are…” announced my big brother as though we would understand perfectly what he was on about. I could tell that I must have looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights as he continued, “You haven’t checked your answer machine have you?”

Sure enough there was a flashing number 4 on the machine, meaning we had four unread messages. Numbers 1 and 4 were from Phil and Jane. “Hiya Kiddo. Is it OK if we come and see our intrepid explorers tomorrow before they head off to Mars or something? See you about 11.30, if that’s alright with you. Give us a ring if it isn’t.”

Number 4. “Just to let you know, we’re setting off. Expect the monkeys and their keepers in about 45 minutes!”

Number 2 was from Felice and number 3 from Mr Carr. (more later…)

“Erm… we have been a bit busy this morning!” I pointed to the unemptied shopping bags on the kitchen table. He laughed when I told him how much it had all cost. He claimed that was nothing, Jane agreed saying she often spent over £200 a week on feeding the animals! Pete and Angela were unimpressed by the repeated references to being monkeys and told us so; adding if they were monkeys then their Dad was a Gorilla.

I started to unpack the stuff so we could sit round the table with a cuppa and a bun. Angela volunteered to help but Laura said, “Watch out. If you don’t put the things away just so, she’ll spank you.” I think she thought Laura was joking until she saw the pantry shelves.

“Wow. It is so tidy. Our cupboards at home have it all just packed in any old how.”

I showed her where each item went and reminded her she had to face the labels to the front and if there was a batch of the same thing to put the longest sell-by date at the back, behind the others. Phil came over to inspect what we were doing and whistled, “Oh. You are still as bad as always then?”

I asked him what he meant by “bad” and he retreated saying he meant organised not bad. I told him to organise a cuppa for us all, and pointed out where the ‘pop’ and juice were if the kids didn’t want a cuppa. He got on with it. I ordered, “Make sure the milk and sugar goes in first, then line up the cup handles so they are facing you as you pour and put the tea spoons in line with the handles…” He thought I was serious until I couldn’t keep a straight face any more and spoiled it by laughing.

We had a choice of buns. There was a huge slab of Angel Layer cake, some ginger cake and a chocolate fudge cake. All bought because I was too lazy to bake and too forgetful to take out something from the freezer the night before. (I was planning on getting out either a lemon meringue or apple cake for our evening meal’s dessert but hadn’t.)

Over Café und Kuchen we gossiped and talked about Australia and Suze and the kids. We showed them some of our camera films of places we’d been, especially the wildlife ones. They thought me getting whale snotted was hilarious and they all just fell in love with Quokkas. Peter (prescient boy) asked why they had never been out to Australia to visit Aunt Susannah and his namesake. Phil actually blushed as he tried to give an answer. I helped him out saying how much our flights had cost and if you multiplied that by five it would buy a new car! (He doesn’t know about 1^st Class, Business and Economy yet.) I said I knew the real reason. You could see Phil tense up in his chair. I said that it was because since they moved to Leeds he had become an honorary Yorkshireman and they were well known for being even more tight-fisted than Scotsmen. Angela and Pete didn’t get it so Jane explained it to them.

The real reason is he and Suze had a huge falling out over something. I have no idea what and Suze never talks about it. I wouldn’t dream of asking Phil as his Mr Angry routine is not a fake, he really can get very angry very quickly. I was told by Mum that they called their first child Peter as a way of trying to heal the rift (I bet that was Jane’s doing, not Phil’s) but it hadn’t fully mended the breach.

I asked if they wanted to stop for tea but they declined, they were driving on to Jane’s folks for their evening meal, which was good as they eat like a plague of locusts and I could envisage all our groceries for the week being devoured in just one meal. LOL.

They left at about five pm, heading to the wilds of West Yorkshire.

Felice’s breathless message. She started in English but must have forgotten she was talking to me and switched to French half way through. The upshot is she is going to be late back for the start of the year and wanted me to make her apologies to our supervisor. She has already cleared it with her head of faculty (she’s actually in the French Faculty) but thought our supervisor the PhD project needed to know too. Thanks a bunch mam’selle. She also said that she wasn’t pregnant. This was in the French bit so I may not have got the translation quite right for she speaks at a mile a minute in French and it is hard to keep up. Once again her phone went straight to voice mail!

Mr Carr was calling to ask if there was any chance of me being available for a bit of extra time next year. Mmmm…. That’s an interesting one. Salary will increase, naturally, and I can fit my hours round the University as before. The message was left on Tuesday of last week, just as we were flying back. Interesting timing. I tried calling him immediately but had the same response as my call to Feli. So unlike on Feli’s call I did leave Mr C a message, explaining the situation and how I had already spoken to Mrs B.

We spent a quiet evening in just chilling, watching BBC 4 and planning to go and watch the Lancaster bombers fly over the reservoirs tomorrow.  Naturally we indulged in several un-natural practices for women before hitting the charp.

Sunday 21^st September.

The flypast wasn’t until about a quarter to five so we decided to do a two part day. We spent the morning on some rock and the afternoon heading for Derwent Edge to watch the flypast. I drove us up to Burbage Brook and we climbed on some of the grit edges along there towards Stanage Pole. We scoffed our lunch at the bridge over the brook at about 1.30 and then wandered back to the car to drive across to Hollow Meadows, where I planned to park up and walk over to the edge from there.

It was packed. There were masses of cars parked there. I know some will have been there for the northern approach to Stanage but I guessed a lot had come for the Lancasters. We headed down the valley and over the ridge to Derwent Edge. There were loads of people here too! We had put our tripod stools in our rucksacks and so, finding a suitable place as a view point we settled down to wait for the planes to arrive. The second batch of sandwiches was opened and the number two flask of tea helped wash the chicken salad and bread down nicely.

I kept callie amused by chucking her retrieving dummy into the heather and getting her to wait a few minutes before sending her off for it. Despite all the people about she was very focused on the dummy. This came to grief  a while later when a couple and their two kids pitched up alongside us and Callie found the kids very accommodating  with their food. You can’t compete with a child feeding your dog, so I gave up for a while and they fussed and petted the soppy ha’porth.

We had been there for about 40 minutes or so when someone shouted they’re here. Sure enough there was a deep throb away to the north west and two specks appeared in the sky getting closer. Laura, with her bins saw them first and I picked them up shortly afterwards. They came quite high over the dams and down the valley towards Chatsworth. Banking round they came over three times altogether, which was a surprise, I assumed they’d just fly by once and then head off home. Laura told me to look at the bridges over the dam and they were blocked solid with cars and people. I assume the cars must have just stopped in the roadway, blocking it completely, and got out of their cars to watch the Lancasters fly over their heads.

Once the planes had become distant spots on the horizon we trooped back down to Hollow Meadows, in the company of quite a few other people, to retrieve the car and drive through Bradfield to home. Being stuffed with two lots of sandwiches didn’t stop us having a third meal later on, though to be fair, home-made pasties count as a mere snack really.

We planned tomorrow’s assault on the University and then watched the first of our recorded Wallander series, the last which Krister Henderiksson will make apparently.

Feeling unexpectedly tired we both took Callie for the short walk up Onseacre Road to the big house and back, then a shared shower and bed. Once again we found ourselves drawn towards acts which would have been deemed illegal a few years ago.

Reality bites as we fly back home. Sex takes off, however!

Monday 14^th September.

Decided to do something really silly for our two last days on this wonderful continent, we got up pretty early this morning, caught an early bus into Freo and hopped on the earliest ferry we could over to Rottnest Island. We only planned on a day visit but it seemed like a good idea as this has proved to be our favourite destination of the six weeks. We caught the 8.15 ferry out from B-Shed and spent the first part of our trip having a proper breakfast at the Dome; we were starving. After a hearty meal we decided to catch the tour bus and have a guided whizz round the island. This proved a good choice as hardly anyone was on the tour bus and we got a really interesting commentary.

Back in Thompson we pondered whether to hire bikes but instead decided to just chill out in the Settlement and relax our few hour of luxury for the day. It helped that the weather was really nice and pretty warm, too warm we thought for cycling. It is hard to describe doing not much but that is what we did, at the Dome, at Aristos for lunch and then in the hotel for afternoon tea. All very civilised and tinged with a little sadness as we’re flying home tomorrow evening. We caught the 4.25 ferry back to Freo. I had several frantic sounding texts from Annabelle wanting to know what time we’d be home but when I asked why she wouldn’t tell me. We rolled through S & OP’s front door at just on 6pm to be told, don’t sit down, we’re off out.

The off out consisted of a meal at Sunsets Restaurant on the bay at Rockingham Sea Front, which we nearly missed because no-one had told us what was afoot. If the Rottnest Express had been running its 7.55pm return to Fremantle from Rotto we would have missed the booking and the meal. Lucky, eh? Naturally, as we were dining on the shore Laura and I had the Barramundi (the first time we have had the same main course whilst eating out, she was able to inform us all). We also had the same dessert; a soft chocolate centred delight that was truly deadly. I almost couldn’t finish it. Sunsets call it their soft-hearted chocolate pudding, it was to die for. It is agood job we do a lot of exercise or we could end up like Michelin Women!

Because Pete was picking up the tab for the food, I ordered the wine and we found their list had a Reisling from the Porongurups (just outside Albany – something we had missed on our travels). It was called castle rock and was delicious. We demolished three bottles between us (the kids had theirs the Roman way).  Afterwards, before going back home, we strolled the length of the foreshore and back and reminisced about what we had done this holiday and also from times in the past.

There were a couple of tears brushed away as we went to bed.

Tuesday September 16^th.

Flight at 10.20 ish this evening; check in two hours before. We decided to carry on as normal today which meant swimming at Aqua Jetty. Taking the kids to school after breakfast and then going for a walk round Rockingham Shopping Mall (to make sure I had bought something for everyone back home) then out to Point Peron for a final look around there too. We prepared the meal for the kids’ arrival from school, and then at about 6.30 we were driven out to the airport.

We had decided that they wouldn’t stop to watch the plane take off, we’d say our goodbyes at the departure lounge entrance and then could drive back home. It is still a school night after all for the kids. There were several pairs of watery eyes as we said goodbye and went through the gate. Annabelle quietly told me, “There are notes!” I was so pleased. She had left me loads of them in my pockets and luggage last year (I have kept them all in a scrap book at home) it will be lovely to have some more from her. I had told the family they mustn’t go into our room until after we had left so they would find some treats for them as a surprise on returning from the airport. There was one surprise I had already given (I know I shouldn’t have) but I left Jill the Rabbit. I told her if she was found with it she had not to implicate me in its purchase. She swore on her life that she wouldn’t ever. I explained that I wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but it was definitely better than having sex before she was ready and falling pregnant. She did they eye roll into her forehead thing but was grateful for the fact I had thought her mature enough to be sensible about sex. (I don’t think I do think she’s mature enough at all, but you can’t live their lives for them, can you? And she’s not even my child!)

Travelling east to west, we gained time rather than lose it, so although we took off at about 10.20pm from Perth we arrived in Glasgow the following lunch-time. I will spare the flight details. Needless to say, we didn’t make the mile high club as Laura was still on and didn’t want the mess.

Wednesday September 17^th.

The Aged Parent and wife were waiting at arrivals for us in Glasgow and everywhere was plastered with campaign posters and stickers and slogans. Dad was of the opinion that if the Scots voted Yes it would be the best thing to happen for Scotland but would serious fuck up the rest of the Union Countries. I was a bit surprised to hear Dad swear but he was deadly serious. He fears a Tory Party that will never be voted out of office if we lose Scotland.

I thought we’d be fine in the car but it seems I fell asleep as we joined the M74 and didn’t wake up again until we were at Prospect. Laura said she had stayed awake all the time but Dad laughed and said, “Mmm… Snoring while awke is a new one on me!” Dad dropped Loll off at her Mum and Dad’s house but she said she’d be round after tea, I went on home with Louisa and Dad and was greeted by a pack of excited dogs and one really ecstatic Weimaraner! Callie lay on the floor of the en-suite as I spent an age in the shower. Then she followed me like a little limpet all through the house. We sat and played some of Dad's CD collection...

Laura phoned to ask me to come round to hers for the meal, so I gained permission from the Aged P and headed off, not that I needed their approval or anything, it was just that I didn’t want to skip off if they had prepped something for me. I had been sat at Molly’s kitchen table, chatting as she and Laura cooked, when in came Louisa and Dad, about five minutes later. They had been invited to too but Laura had forgotten to mention that, so Eric had phoned while I was strolling down.

We had a huge meal and several bottle of Uncle Hilmar’s wein (although Dad must be getting low by now). The talk was all about holidays and babies and what Laura might do after he degree next summer. We joked about all sorts of stuff and even Molly wanted to know what Dad was doing dragging his pregnant wife off to Australia when she would be almost to term. I piped up with, “Dad wants a baby born in Australia!” He actually blushed but then denied that was the case. He claimed his maths was wrong and he had worked out the baby’s birth month to be March rather than January! I kept schtum as I thought I may have put my size sixes right into it!

We learned what Avril and Kirsten, Loll’s sisters (and their families) were up to; Stephen was discussed as being a reprobate for not liking Rugby League! A serious crime in West Cumbria. We heard tales of Molly nearly driving head first into a tractor using the Tallentire one way system the wrong way! Apparently she lost it big time with tractor driver and swore like a trooper at him. She then took out her phone and filmed the tractor and the driver, threatening him with reporting the incident to the police. Laura asked if she really had, and Molly had to admit she hadn’t but the footage was still on her phone!

This lead nicely to us showing some of the footage we had taken in Australia by linking Laura’s phone up to the TV and Laura playing at vision editor while I gave a commentary. Those who hadn’t been to Australia (that was everyone except me, Dad and Laura were impressed by the things we showed them in our mini-travelogue. Normally a night like this would have stretched away into the small hours but Laura and I started to get a bit weary, so we cried off any more alcohol, bade our good nights and headed back to my house where we had our first shower together for ages and then fell into bed.

Thursday 18^th September.

Up early to find my nether regions being explored by expert fingers. I wistful voice came towards me with the magic words, “Guess what? I’ve finished…” so we began a serious exploration of each other’s bodies which lasted almost two hours. Bloody nature, eh? Why couldn’t she have finished two days ago and we could have bonked on an aeroplane at 35,000 feet?

Orgasmed out by 7.30, we infiltrated our kitchen and raided Dad’s fridge for breakfast. There was plenty of bacon and eggs in there so we did a fry up, which we didn’t get to eat immediately as the Aged P and Louisa appeared, as if by magic, and swiped our first load. Fortunately there was enough for us as well, so we started a second batch. Full English breakfasts are a rarity in Australia. Well, they are at Suze and Pete’s as they consider them to be unhealthy for the kids. Dad was astounded!

He and Louisa were heading off to Lancaster to day to do something for Uni. They were staying over in the flat and would be back on Friday. We were given huge instructions not to whoop it up while we were alone and also to avoid Cockermouth. I asked why but Dad just said, “Go and see, then…”

We went for a drive into the Gem Town and were gob-smacked to see that the whole bloody main street was still a building site. It had been like this for months before we went away and we fully expected it to be all gleaming and finished when we got back. No such luck. I spoke to a woman in Sainsbury’s who said it was because the council contract hadn’t got any penalty clauses in it and the company were spinning out the work long past the original completion date. It is an absolute mess and it shows what a set of useless old git the council must be. We drove back the long way as we planned to go to Clint’s Crags to take some photographs to send to Australia. You could still drive through Main Street but only in one direction. It must be an absolute nightmare at rush hour.

Clint’s Crags are near Blindcrake and offer a wonderful view over the northern part of the Lake District, or they usually do. When we finally struggled to the summit, it was so cloudy all the fell tops were covered. You could see Bass Lake quite clearly and the lower fell summits stood out but for photographs it would be a dead loss. We decided to wait and try again if the cloud lifted during Friday. The crags are actually part of an old quarry and limestone pavement; very easy walking and a great picnicking and al fresco bonking spot. (No, we didn't!)

Dad and Louisa had gone when we got back, so we spent another happy hour or two having sex all over the house without restrictions. It was so good to be able to let your pleasure find its voice after over six weeks of being restrained.

I made a spag bol for tea and we spent the evening catching up on the old telly we'd missed from my PVR (I have one in my bedroom up here at Dad’s house and had set up to record several shows, including the new Dr. Who). By about 9.30 our eyes had gone square and we began to nod in front of the screen, so Laura had her shower while I walked the pack of dogs and then I had mine. I had hoped to entice the gorgeous girl to further shenanigans after me shower but she was already asleep. Never mind, we’ll just do a repeat of this morning, tomorrow!