Lonesome tonight? All week actually.

Monday 16^th June.

Today I was transported back in time to late September 2010 when I first began working at XXX & Y. Admittedly; I was still living at home then, with my Mum and had yet to buy my first car. I did have a three year old Weimaraner called Callie and a broken heart. Richard had been dead for around 18 months and I had sort of recovered from my nervous breakdown.

Dad, in his infinite wisdom, had found me a job with one of his old school (Harrow) and college (Balliol) buddies which he thought might stretch my mind more than the mundane and mindless job I had in Myers department store in Fremantle.  Tim Carr (the aforementioned buddy) is a partner in a law firm in Sheffield who was looking to recruit someone for the Archives and Records department; someone with a proven track record and the ability to think outside the box. It wasn’t a shoo-in. I had to fly back from Australia and have a proper interview but I think when he discovered I had a First Class Classics degree (as he had too) the job was mine to lose.

The first day was just like the first day anywhere new. Frightening and exciting at the same time. You were keen to do well and determined not to make any silly mistakes or faux-pas. I wasn’t a complete green horn to the world of work but I was a bit overawed by the size and scale of XXX & Y. I did wonder if I would ever fit in.

Fast forward three and a half years to this morning, and it felt like that very first day all over again. My heart hasn’t been broken, I don’t live with my Mum and I have worked here since September 2010 but boy did I feel just as nervous and wired as I did all those years ago. I guess it was the stupid, irrational loneliness of someone who prior to this has never felt lonely at all. I have been moping since Laura went up to Cumbria and I know it is absolutely no good. I have to be sensible and strong; not foolish and weak. Even playing my comfort CD on the drive into work didn’t lift my gloom (my comfort CD is a Japanese edition of a Baroque sampler that has the best ever version of Pachelbel’s Canon on it plus 

lots of other Baroque Classics for the Masses).

What did lift my gloom was my favourite barrister coming down to ARR to ask if I could look up anything we had which would help her forthcoming case. (When I say forthcoming I mean in October!) She is a real gem. I wouldn’t presume to call her a friend, even though I have been to one of her ‘parties’, but I think we have a very good working relationship. If I stay at XXX & Y I think we could become friends of a sort. Without going into details she is working on the defence of a case which hinges on ‘recovered memory’. She is out to try and discredit the idea of these memories being accurate or even true. I have been tasked with finding out as much case law as I can on previous trials where ‘rm’ has been a crucial part of the prosecution evidence.

This took all day and I still haven’t ploughed my way through a tenth of what is available. The problem is hardly any of the details are on line so I have digging away through weighty tomes for most of the day. Bliss.

At lunch a couple of us went down to the Indian on Broomhill and had their Thali special. One of the girls invited her friend from accounts down and, as you might have guessed, a certain Mr Smith tagged along too. He managed to grab himself a seat directly opposite me, so there was no excuse I could think of not to converse with him.

What was pleasing to note was that even with the absence of my squeeze for a week and a half, the prospect of a relatively attractive and fairly intelligent male companion who was definitely available and was carrying a torch so large for me it would have caused a major inferno roused no interest in me what so ever.  Is this true love (for Laura) or am I just so pissed off at Christopher that I will never see him as anything other than an annoying little tick? I am erring on the side of the tick theory!

We discussed the forthcoming International Concert Series at the City Hall. The new season kicks off on September 19^th with a programme of Mozart, Moussorgski and Prokofiev performed by the Halle. I told him that Laura and I had already booked for the entire season and he dropped the bombshell on me that he had too (that wasn’t the bombshell) with a girl called Janice! I pressed him for more details but he was embarrassed, especially as a few other people were listening too. It seems he met her on-line in a forum about Classical Music. She lives in Chesterfield and is as keen on music as we are. They have been to two things together already and he asked her if she would like to commit to the whole season at the City Hall. She did.

I am really pleased for him. I told him we will definitely have to meet up for drinks during the concerts and he can introduce Janice to his Lesbian friends. That should bring him even more kudos with her, perhaps. Seriously I am pleased. If he has a real girlfriend then we can be friends instead of him mooning around like a lost puppy after me. He is quite a nice guy and would probably be a good friend to have if the stupid bloody “love thing” hadn’t got in the way.

One or two of the others couldn’t believe I had shelled out a huge sum of money for a series of concerts over the year, especially not for Classical Music, but I explained it was excellent value to do it that way and music was one of my passions. The other girls from ARR agreed that I did tend to be glued to my i-pod when doing work that didn’t require serious concentration but when they asked to listen to it too, they were dismayed to find it was posh stuff! I laughed at it being called posh stuff and tried to fight my corner for more of them giving it a try. I am not sure I won but I do now have to provide four CDs of music that I think will convince them that they should give Classical Music a try (that is one for each of the doubters).

Back at work Mrs Briggs came over to offer her three penn’orth to my case law search and was amused by my description of our lunch time debate at the restaurant. She said she’d like a copy of anything I put together too. I told her Christopher’s news and she was delighted for both him and me, as it might mean he is off my case properly now. She too has bought a full set of tickets for the International Season so she’ll get to meet this Janice person as well.

The déjà vu feeling at work this morning came back on leaving as I remembered just how I felt on going home that first evening. I felt as though I landed in a very safe and snug nest where I could thrive. That feeling was reinforced as I drove back home.

Skyping Laura was a hoot as she tried to imagine what the Janice girl might be like. We came up with all sorts of possible descriptions of the kind of person who would find Christopher attractive. I suggested a sixth-form girl with eye sight problems. Laura thought that was far too cruel. She has bet me a whole pound of Rose and Violet creams that she will be as near to a copy of me as he could find. I wish she hadn’t said that. It is a pretty scary thought, TBH.

The evening was fantastically clear, so after my meal I rushed Callie out onto Hallam Moor, walking up from the old road to the Headstone. There were lots of people about and a woman with about six golden retrievers. She was really jolly and we had a long chat. She was especially interested to hear that I worked Callie. I told her what we’d done and how I was looking to get more picking up work in the season. She actually gave me her phone number and said I must ring her after August and she would see what she could do. It seems that she and her husband do loads of it, as they use it for training their retrievers.

She actually gave Callie a set of retrieves with a dummy she had with her and was impressed by her sighting and her control. That was pretty good.

It was dark when I got back home and as we’d been out for a long stroll I just let Callie into the back field for her last walk. She was obviously tired as she squatted just by the gate and came straight back in. She padded upstairs at about 1pm and went to sleep on the sheepskin rug at my side of the bed. She doesn’t do that very often at all, preferring to sleep in her crate usually. I was honoured.

Tuesday 17^th June.

Walked Callie and swam as usual. I wasn’t as foolish as to try 150 lengths today. I did swim every tenth length underwater though, which proved more tiring than I thought it would be. Sarah wasn’t on today and I asked the relief manager if anything was the matter with her. It turned out she is ill and had submitted a doctor’s note for the rest of the week. That is very unlike her. I planned to go round and see her after work and Skyping this evening.

I spoke to Mum this morning and she finally admitted why she didn’t want me and Laura to go with her to Karen’s funeral in Norwich. I tried asking her but she just said “It was complicated.” It seems Karen was so ill she may have taken her own life. They have recorded a misadventure verdict on her as they couldn’t be sure if the overdose she died from was accidental or deliberate. Mum spoke to Karen’s hubby and he thought it might have been deliberate as she would have wanted to get out of the situation herself, while she was still able to do so. It seems they had talked about the condition and how it would just get worse and worse until she died. She had asked him if he’d help her when the time came and he wasn’t able to say “Yes”. [I thought that was pretty cruel, but Mum – being Catholic still – could see his point of view. She still regards taking your own life as a mortal sin which will deny you entry into heaven. OMG, what a bloody outdated view for such an educated woman to hold!]

Work was good again. I am still ploughing through case law for my favourite Barrister. There is surprisingly little on recovered memory, which isn’t really surprising I suppose. Most of the people practising this form of hypnotherapy seem to have been charlatans and thoroughly discredited; that may be a gross generalisation on my part. Still it is great fun looking for instances and examples from the past.

Skyped Laura at 6.30 and told her about Karen’s funeral. She was surprised too. I then said I was going to pop round to see Sarah which she thought was a good idea too. She and her Mum had been over to the Gretna Outlet village, clothes shopping for our trip to Australia. Stephen is dead jealous and wants to be smuggled across in our suitcase. He wanted to know how Laura could afford it and she explained how hard she worked at the restaurant in the village to earn the money to go. She didn’t tell him I paid the difference between her economy ticket and a business class one. He doesn’t need to know that. She has promised to Skype the family as often as we can from Australia once we get used to the time difference. I can’t wait to get up there on Friday and cuddle with her again. Cuddling the dog isn’t quite the same. LOL

Sarah was surprised and pleased to see me, when I called round with a bunch of lavender from the garden and a bottle of wine. I told her to dry out the lavender and then to hang it in the wardrobe. She was feeling much better but seemed pretty vague about what the hatter was, so I didn’t press it.

We had a good old giggly evening and I was pleased I had been up to see her. She still thinks I am a bit intense at times and can’t get her head round what I do for entertainment, especially as she tried to get me to talk about the World Cup (seriously?) and TV programmes (?). I am afraid my knowledge in those areas could be written on the back of a postage stamp! She was keen to hear about my new niece in detail and I was able to show her a dozen or so photographs on my phone, which we cooed over. She also was amused by the tale of Charlotte and Jan’s idea of having their daughter born in Norway coming to nothing. I would be afraid to travel anywhere if I was due to give birth at any moment.

I rolled back home at about 10.30 and walked Callie through Hill Top Woods for her final walk of the day. This evening she started on the sheepskin rug but at some time in the night she padded off downstairs again. I heard her pad back up at just before six to poke her nose into my ear (like she has always done).

Wednesday June 18^th.

Usual morning. I have decided to work through today’s and tomorrow’s lunchtime so I can zoom up to Dad’s at lunchtime on Friday. That way I can be there by about three o’clock and Laura and I can commit some serious rumpy pumpy before the aged parent (and step-mum) get home. I guess it would be frowned upon if we excused ourselves after dinner and headed straight for the bedroom!

Laura thought this was a brilliant idea unless she gets Tom’s Call before Friday night. I am getting pretty close too, it would be so annoying to be on when we want to have sex again! Our periods have become more or less synchronised since we started living together, which is pretty weird.

The majority of today was spent collating and indexing all that I had found on cases involving recovered memory so that the information will be easily retrievable and accessible when it’s needed.

We planned next Wednesday’s girl meal night too; we will be at Rachel’s house next week, which is good as Laura will be back. I wouldn’t have fancied turning up without her, it would certainly have caused much speculation among the girls. They (OK we) do tend to nag away at changes to our routines.

Laura’s Dad is in the process of getting her a little car! Erm.. What? It seems one of the people at his work (he is a lorry driver) has an aged parent who is selling off her V Reg Nissan Micra. It has only done 48K miles and has been serviced as regular as clock work. What makes the deal even better than most is the fact she only wants £425 for it! If it bears up to Eric’s scrutiny he is going to buy it for Laura and make sure it is in excellent working order before giving it to her when we come back from Australia in September. This is pretty neat and comes at the problem of Laura’s mobility from a completely different perspective than mine. Having been on my insurance for over a year she has built up a small no claims amount but if the premium is too high her Dad is going to insure the vehicle in his name and put her on the policy as the only named driver! Good planning, Mr Thomas. I approve! 

Didn’t get to see Hetty Feather at the Crucible after all, either my bloody brother has discovered this blog (I fucking hope not - he will kill me, after he has passed on all my secrets to my Mum) or someone blabbed about me thinking he should be encouraging his children to visit the theatre by going himself. Anyway, the upshot was he asked if he could have my ticket and go with Jane instead of me. Jane’s Mum had been roped in to babysit Sophie. I agreed with alacrity and then decided not to get myself a single ticket, miles away from them in the auditorium, so they went alone. Good job too really. To show that Phil isn’t a complete pillock all the time he actually gave me a cheque for the cost of the tickets. They had a whale of a time. I bet even more because Daddy was with them instead of Mum with Aunt Vic, as usual.

Hit the charp relatively early and had a dream free night despite trying my best to dream about either Richard or Laura tonight. Rats!

Thursday 19^th June.

Usual routine again this morning – dog walk, swim, breakfast, shower, off to work. I have looked for recovered memory old cases until I think I have exhausted the subject. If there are anymore out there they are hiding themselves extremely well.

Worked through lunch and left at 6pm tonight so I could zoom off at 1pm tomorrow. As I was leaving I bumped into Mr Carr. I do see him occasionally. He was pleased about my research for Ms X, my favourite barrister. I was surprised he knew already. He told me that he kept an eye on John’s girl to make sure he hadn’t been foolish in employing me. However, over the years since I had started I had become one of the best researchers they’d ever employed. It is lovely to hear praise like this from one of the head honchos. I joking said, “Oh does that mean I should ask for a pay rise?” He laughed but went on with, “It actually means I wish you’d consider working in Law when you complete your PhD. We’d be really pleased to have you on the staff here full time.”

I went through the usual platitudes about being flattered etc but I did emphasise that it had always been my dream to follow in Dad’s footsteps and I was desperate to become a lecturer. If it all went pear shaped could I take him up on his offer? He was non-committal in his reply. He did say I was obviously my father’s daughter; when they had finished Balliol together Dad had been determined to pursue a career in academia and he had single-mindedly gone for it until he succeeded.

I told him that was Dad, stubborn as the proverbial mule.

We crossed the car park still joking with each other, which is hardly surprising really when you consider I have known Mr Carr (Tim) all my life. I wondered what other people would make of our easy and casual friendship; would they think, “there goes the boss with his little piece of fluff”?

He asked when I was seeing the old goat again and when I said tomorrow, he asked me to give him his regards and that he hoped the pregnancy was progressing safely. (That was a surprise, too!) I told him I would bring back a disc of Louisa’a ultrasound scan if he wanted, he declined that delight…

Mum was waiting at home for me with a couple of bundles. They were a couple of dresses she had seen out shopping which she thought I would love, so she bought them both as she couldn’t make up her mind which she like best. One had a really elaborately embroidered bodice, a bit like a salwar kemeez and a shortish skirt instead of the full one which a salwar has. The bodice is absolutely gorgeous and even better than that, it fits perfectly. It is a beautiful pale green colour. I loved it.

The second is a shortish jersey dress with lace inserts in strategic places, no I don’t mean across the bosom or bum area! It is a pale lilac colour and is also gorgeous. Being jersey this fits even better than the green dress. It is quite a bit shorter too. I was surprised Mum bought something like this but she remembered the three jersey dresses I had in Australia and thought this would go well with those. Good old Mum.

Even better Mum had brought dinner with her, OK it needed cooking, but she slapped a huge trout on the drainer and said, “You want salad or veggies with it?”

I said, “Both.”

So I prepped some salad while she stuck on a pan of baby tates and then a few mixed greens, after 10 minutes. We opened a Houghton White Burgundy and had a really enjoyable, and surprising meal. After we had scoffed the fish and eaten the last of the apple pie I started on Tuesday we had a post prandial sprawl in the conservatory. Mum asked how my week without Laura had been and I simply replied, “Hell!”

She said that was good. I obviously felt much more for her now that I had in Australia last summer (their winter). I had to point out that circumstances were different then, I was apart from her for five days out of every seven whereas now we were together all the time. I have been quite bereft at times and felt as though a part of me is missing.

She repeated the word, “Good. That means you really do love her and it isn’t just a silly pash or whatever you girls used to call it at school.”

I asked her how she felt about that and she said, “Well, honestly I would have preferred a BF but that is just selfish old me hoping there may be another grandchild along. Knowing that you two really are in love and happy together, you know that I think it is fine too. I also know your Gran has come round to the idea of you and Laura being a couple which is like a leopard changing its spots.”

I told her I knew that, even though she joked about introducing the lesbians to her group of cronies, I could tell she was pleased that I was happy regardless of the person’s gender who had made me happy.

I asked her what Aussie Gran would have said about the idea.

I didn’t get the answer I was expecting, “She’d probably have written you out of her will!”

I thought she was joking, but apparently she was in earnest. Gertrude may have appeared liberal and tolerant but she was as bigoted and narrow minded as the rest of the world. “She did send your Dad to Harrow, remember?”

We moved into the kitchen so I could Skype the subject of our previous conversation and after a few minutes had the call hijacked as Mum and Molly had a long chat about how they couldn’t do anything with their daughters these days blah… blah… blah…

Long after the call, and when Mum had left, I had a text from Laura saying “I love you and your Mum, she’s really funny! Hurry up tomorrow!”

My reply was “You betcha!”