Love sick already. (After only 24 hours!)

Monday June 9^th.

One day until Laura’s last exam. Two days until she leaves me for a week at her Mum & Dad’s. I didn’t think I would be worried but I am. I know it’s silly but apart from the odd night where I have been away doing research for my PhD, this will be the longest time we have been apart since she moved in with me! I am taking her to the station on Wednesday and I won’t be with her again until a week on Friday. OMG. How will I cope?

It is really, really scary. It is also really, really stupid to feel like this! I need to knuckle down and get a grip.

I am so tempted to say Bugger Uni. It is only one day after she leaves that we officially can call it quits for the year. I have already booked myself in at XXX & Y for the week after she goes and then for the rest of the time right up to our flight to Australia. This will cover my absence from work for the time we are out there and give me some time in lieu as well. In fact five weeks full time will give me the equivalent of 17 weeks off from my part-time work if I need it. I will use 8 weeks’ worth for the trip.

Laura stayed at home doing last minute revision and I went off into Uni as usual. Feli and I just mucked about really. We didn’t feel like getting anything done that we’d be putting away for a couple of months so I taught her how to play hearts. We found a couple of other people to join us and we had a morning’s card school. We used Feli’s office which has much more space than my broom cupboard.

Tea was waiting for me on my arrival home and then afterwards Loll went off to Dominic’s for the last time before we go away. I collected her from the restaurant at closing time and we spent a long leisurely shower together after walking Callie through Hill Top Wood.

I asked Laura if she’d miss me while at her Mum & Dad’s. She said that she would but it was only for a few days and we could Skype each other every night. I insisted that we had to do that, every night at 6.30 on the button.

Tuesday June 10^th.

Why on earth do the Uni use Sheffield Wednesday’s football ground as an exam venue? It seems mad to me. I left Laura at the entrance and then fought my way through the traffic to the Uni buildings. She was going to catch the bus back home straight after her exam rather than wander into the city to find me at the Uni or the solicitors’.

Laura was very pleased with the way her last exam had gone. She thought she had managed it very well. She reflected on how different this year had been compared to her one at Lancaster, last year. She said that a huge part of her success (assuming she did succeed) was down to the stability and love she had got from me during the year. I almost wept. If I was going to assess the year too, I think it has to have been one of the happiest years of my life. [It certainly matches the years I had with Richard for happiness and contentment although, still being an undergraduate at the time, they were very different to my year with Laura.]

 She had made a huge salad with prawns for our meal and it was delicious. We went out with Callie after tea doing a small walk from Hugh Bradfield that takes in Richer Edge, Agden reservoir and Low Bradfield village too. We pitched up in the Old Horns pub and had a bottle of wine between us.

We were quietly sipping our Semillon / Sauvignon blanc when we got hit upon by two likely lads who thought their luck was in when they spotted us at the table by the window. We politely told them to go away; then to get lost and finally in a voice too loud for the room we told them if they continued harassing us we’d inform the landlord! The barman heard and came over to see what was happening. Rah rah rah. He told the two guys that if they continued to give us any trouble he would ask them to leave. It is lucky that I have used the pub quite a lot, so he knew who I was by face if not by name. I introduced us to him, he was called James. He seemed quite nice and was obviously pleased to be our knight errant! (Even if his wandering was only from the bar to our table.)

We finished our wine and zoomed off home. Thinking about previous idiots who have tried to chat me (and us) up I was expecting trouble of some kind when we left but the two beaux just sat at their table supping their ale.

Callie was still expecting a bit of a stroll before bedtime so I let her have a run on the back field before we hit the charp.

Wednesday June 11^th

Well today’s the day…

How will I cope with Laura not being around after tonight? This is pretty much unexplored territory for me. Before she moved in we lived our love affair apart, with me in Sheffield and she in Lancaster; I could get my head round that idea because the situation was fixed and immutable. That all changed last year when she moved to Sheffield and I had a live in lover for only the second time in my life.

What was strange at first has become acceptable and routine (in a way) but still exciting and wonderful too; like it did when I moved in with Richard in Cambridge. I know what Laura was feeling when she made the sea change, as I have been there myself. I know I am being silly over a few days apart but I am worried that I will go to pieces about it.

We did the usual stuff this morning and then Laura drove me to work so she could have use of the car for the day, she needed to do some shopping for her folks. I think she was buying them presents.

I had a long chat with Mrs Briggs and she said she understood exactly what I was going through with this “break” but I was being silly to worry as it wasn’t a ‘break – break’, just a time apart while she visited her parents . She told me she thought what we had together, from what she had seen on the times we have been out together [at concerts, the theatre or meals] was very strong and very special and in a way it made her jealous to witness our emotional attachment as she and her partner had grown a bit less exciting over the years they’d been together.

She thought a strength of our relationship would be seeing how good we were when we had some time apart. That sort of made sense to me, it hasn’t taken away the knot in my tummy though.

Laura picked me up at 4.30pm and I drove us both across the Snake Road to Manchester. We stopped at the very top of the route to let Callie stretch her legs as she was going to be cooped up in the car in the city while I made sure Loll caught her train.

We had a minor emotional scene on the platform as her train was scheduled to leave. We had a mega hug and then I did a repeat of our first ever serious snog on the platform in almost the same place we did it almost two years ago. Once again we didn’t care a hoot about the other people, passengers, staff etc around us, we just let the world know we were a couple who were parting for a while. I have to admit I had a rather wet cheek as I walked back to the car.

I think Callie sensed my confused emotions as she kept nudging my hand as I let her have a run round the car-park before I drove us both home.

I had a text almost as soon as I walked in the door at home from Laura. “Mum picked me up at the station. Skype tomorrow at 6.30pm. I LOVE you lots and lots.”

That made my cheeks wet again! I am a silly cow.

Thursday June 12^th.

Last day at Uni. It is like a ghost town. Once packed places are almost deserted. I bumped into Mandy and her BF who are staying in the city for a week before they go on separate family holidays to exotic foreign locations. I reminded her to send me a card, she promised she would and then surprised me by giving me a hug. She whispered, “Thank you for everything…” I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t really done anything I thought, just been my usual muddling through self.

Feli and I made a pretence of doing some work but neither of us had our hearts in it. Feli is zooming away to Bordeaux tomorrow, she is crewing on a yacht around Arcachon Bay area for a few weeks during the summer. I told her I was envious, I haven’t sailed properly for over a year and a half, when I was out with my sister and brother-in-law on their yacht in the Indian Ocean. She said she envied me going for almost two months to Australia. I suppose it shows that the other person’s grass does seem greener.

We decided to have a long lunch at Lokanta and then call it a day / week / year from there.

Back home seemed really strange and quiet without my beautiful girl waiting for me. I was tempted to text her and skype her immediately but that would have, maybe, worried her and seemed a bit on the desperate side too – especially as it wasn’t even 24 hours since she’d gone. Instead I had a blast of some rousing Wagner to lift the gloom.

I went through the house cleaning and polishing like a maniac while the music was playing, even though I had given it a thorough clean over the weekend, like I usually do. I put all my dirty washing on, I was tempted to wash the bedding but when I went to remove the pillow cases the smell of Laura was still lingering there so I decided I wouldn’t wash them at all until next Friday, when I was driving up to Cumbria to be reunited. She would have laughed at the idea that I would sleep in sheets that were over a week old, knowing how obsessive I am about things like that. I hope she would be touched by why I hadn’t washed them though. I am resolved not to be wimpy or weedy though when we talk and skype. That would just be pathetic, even though my stomach is in a permanent knot and my heart is aching already.

We skyped for an hour at 6.30 pm. I talked to Laura, her Mum (Molly) and Stephen (Brother). They had a giggle at the fact I had cleaned the house, especially when she said, “Are you removing all traces of me then?” She was joking but I almost sobbed. I coughed to hide the emotion I was feeling.

I felt even worse after we had talked than I had before. I am a complete drongo. I shouldn’t feel like this. I am a rational, educated woman. I have emotional intelligence and common sense.

I just miss her so much already! Arrrggghhhhh!