Lonesome tonight? All week actually.

Monday 16^th June.

Today I was transported back in time to late September 2010 when I first began working at XXX & Y. Admittedly; I was still living at home then, with my Mum and had yet to buy my first car. I did have a three year old Weimaraner called Callie and a broken heart. Richard had been dead for around 18 months and I had sort of recovered from my nervous breakdown.

Dad, in his infinite wisdom, had found me a job with one of his old school (Harrow) and college (Balliol) buddies which he thought might stretch my mind more than the mundane and mindless job I had in Myers department store in Fremantle.  Tim Carr (the aforementioned buddy) is a partner in a law firm in Sheffield who was looking to recruit someone for the Archives and Records department; someone with a proven track record and the ability to think outside the box. It wasn’t a shoo-in. I had to fly back from Australia and have a proper interview but I think when he discovered I had a First Class Classics degree (as he had too) the job was mine to lose.

The first day was just like the first day anywhere new. Frightening and exciting at the same time. You were keen to do well and determined not to make any silly mistakes or faux-pas. I wasn’t a complete green horn to the world of work but I was a bit overawed by the size and scale of XXX & Y. I did wonder if I would ever fit in.

Fast forward three and a half years to this morning, and it felt like that very first day all over again. My heart hasn’t been broken, I don’t live with my Mum and I have worked here since September 2010 but boy did I feel just as nervous and wired as I did all those years ago. I guess it was the stupid, irrational loneliness of someone who prior to this has never felt lonely at all. I have been moping since Laura went up to Cumbria and I know it is absolutely no good. I have to be sensible and strong; not foolish and weak. Even playing my comfort CD on the drive into work didn’t lift my gloom (my comfort CD is a Japanese edition of a Baroque sampler that has the best ever version of Pachelbel’s Canon on it plus 

lots of other Baroque Classics for the Masses).

What did lift my gloom was my favourite barrister coming down to ARR to ask if I could look up anything we had which would help her forthcoming case. (When I say forthcoming I mean in October!) She is a real gem. I wouldn’t presume to call her a friend, even though I have been to one of her ‘parties’, but I think we have a very good working relationship. If I stay at XXX & Y I think we could become friends of a sort. Without going into details she is working on the defence of a case which hinges on ‘recovered memory’. She is out to try and discredit the idea of these memories being accurate or even true. I have been tasked with finding out as much case law as I can on previous trials where ‘rm’ has been a crucial part of the prosecution evidence.

This took all day and I still haven’t ploughed my way through a tenth of what is available. The problem is hardly any of the details are on line so I have digging away through weighty tomes for most of the day. Bliss.

At lunch a couple of us went down to the Indian on Broomhill and had their Thali special. One of the girls invited her friend from accounts down and, as you might have guessed, a certain Mr Smith tagged along too. He managed to grab himself a seat directly opposite me, so there was no excuse I could think of not to converse with him.

What was pleasing to note was that even with the absence of my squeeze for a week and a half, the prospect of a relatively attractive and fairly intelligent male companion who was definitely available and was carrying a torch so large for me it would have caused a major inferno roused no interest in me what so ever.  Is this true love (for Laura) or am I just so pissed off at Christopher that I will never see him as anything other than an annoying little tick? I am erring on the side of the tick theory!

We discussed the forthcoming International Concert Series at the City Hall. The new season kicks off on September 19^th with a programme of Mozart, Moussorgski and Prokofiev performed by the Halle. I told him that Laura and I had already booked for the entire season and he dropped the bombshell on me that he had too (that wasn’t the bombshell) with a girl called Janice! I pressed him for more details but he was embarrassed, especially as a few other people were listening too. It seems he met her on-line in a forum about Classical Music. She lives in Chesterfield and is as keen on music as we are. They have been to two things together already and he asked her if she would like to commit to the whole season at the City Hall. She did.

I am really pleased for him. I told him we will definitely have to meet up for drinks during the concerts and he can introduce Janice to his Lesbian friends. That should bring him even more kudos with her, perhaps. Seriously I am pleased. If he has a real girlfriend then we can be friends instead of him mooning around like a lost puppy after me. He is quite a nice guy and would probably be a good friend to have if the stupid bloody “love thing” hadn’t got in the way.

One or two of the others couldn’t believe I had shelled out a huge sum of money for a series of concerts over the year, especially not for Classical Music, but I explained it was excellent value to do it that way and music was one of my passions. The other girls from ARR agreed that I did tend to be glued to my i-pod when doing work that didn’t require serious concentration but when they asked to listen to it too, they were dismayed to find it was posh stuff! I laughed at it being called posh stuff and tried to fight my corner for more of them giving it a try. I am not sure I won but I do now have to provide four CDs of music that I think will convince them that they should give Classical Music a try (that is one for each of the doubters).

Back at work Mrs Briggs came over to offer her three penn’orth to my case law search and was amused by my description of our lunch time debate at the restaurant. She said she’d like a copy of anything I put together too. I told her Christopher’s news and she was delighted for both him and me, as it might mean he is off my case properly now. She too has bought a full set of tickets for the International Season so she’ll get to meet this Janice person as well.

The déjà vu feeling at work this morning came back on leaving as I remembered just how I felt on going home that first evening. I felt as though I landed in a very safe and snug nest where I could thrive. That feeling was reinforced as I drove back home.

Skyping Laura was a hoot as she tried to imagine what the Janice girl might be like. We came up with all sorts of possible descriptions of the kind of person who would find Christopher attractive. I suggested a sixth-form girl with eye sight problems. Laura thought that was far too cruel. She has bet me a whole pound of Rose and Violet creams that she will be as near to a copy of me as he could find. I wish she hadn’t said that. It is a pretty scary thought, TBH.

The evening was fantastically clear, so after my meal I rushed Callie out onto Hallam Moor, walking up from the old road to the Headstone. There were lots of people about and a woman with about six golden retrievers. She was really jolly and we had a long chat. She was especially interested to hear that I worked Callie. I told her what we’d done and how I was looking to get more picking up work in the season. She actually gave me her phone number and said I must ring her after August and she would see what she could do. It seems that she and her husband do loads of it, as they use it for training their retrievers.

She actually gave Callie a set of retrieves with a dummy she had with her and was impressed by her sighting and her control. That was pretty good.

It was dark when I got back home and as we’d been out for a long stroll I just let Callie into the back field for her last walk. She was obviously tired as she squatted just by the gate and came straight back in. She padded upstairs at about 1pm and went to sleep on the sheepskin rug at my side of the bed. She doesn’t do that very often at all, preferring to sleep in her crate usually. I was honoured.

Tuesday 17^th June.

Walked Callie and swam as usual. I wasn’t as foolish as to try 150 lengths today. I did swim every tenth length underwater though, which proved more tiring than I thought it would be. Sarah wasn’t on today and I asked the relief manager if anything was the matter with her. It turned out she is ill and had submitted a doctor’s note for the rest of the week. That is very unlike her. I planned to go round and see her after work and Skyping this evening.

I spoke to Mum this morning and she finally admitted why she didn’t want me and Laura to go with her to Karen’s funeral in Norwich. I tried asking her but she just said “It was complicated.” It seems Karen was so ill she may have taken her own life. They have recorded a misadventure verdict on her as they couldn’t be sure if the overdose she died from was accidental or deliberate. Mum spoke to Karen’s hubby and he thought it might have been deliberate as she would have wanted to get out of the situation herself, while she was still able to do so. It seems they had talked about the condition and how it would just get worse and worse until she died. She had asked him if he’d help her when the time came and he wasn’t able to say “Yes”. [I thought that was pretty cruel, but Mum – being Catholic still – could see his point of view. She still regards taking your own life as a mortal sin which will deny you entry into heaven. OMG, what a bloody outdated view for such an educated woman to hold!]

Work was good again. I am still ploughing through case law for my favourite Barrister. There is surprisingly little on recovered memory, which isn’t really surprising I suppose. Most of the people practising this form of hypnotherapy seem to have been charlatans and thoroughly discredited; that may be a gross generalisation on my part. Still it is great fun looking for instances and examples from the past.

Skyped Laura at 6.30 and told her about Karen’s funeral. She was surprised too. I then said I was going to pop round to see Sarah which she thought was a good idea too. She and her Mum had been over to the Gretna Outlet village, clothes shopping for our trip to Australia. Stephen is dead jealous and wants to be smuggled across in our suitcase. He wanted to know how Laura could afford it and she explained how hard she worked at the restaurant in the village to earn the money to go. She didn’t tell him I paid the difference between her economy ticket and a business class one. He doesn’t need to know that. She has promised to Skype the family as often as we can from Australia once we get used to the time difference. I can’t wait to get up there on Friday and cuddle with her again. Cuddling the dog isn’t quite the same. LOL

Sarah was surprised and pleased to see me, when I called round with a bunch of lavender from the garden and a bottle of wine. I told her to dry out the lavender and then to hang it in the wardrobe. She was feeling much better but seemed pretty vague about what the hatter was, so I didn’t press it.

We had a good old giggly evening and I was pleased I had been up to see her. She still thinks I am a bit intense at times and can’t get her head round what I do for entertainment, especially as she tried to get me to talk about the World Cup (seriously?) and TV programmes (?). I am afraid my knowledge in those areas could be written on the back of a postage stamp! She was keen to hear about my new niece in detail and I was able to show her a dozen or so photographs on my phone, which we cooed over. She also was amused by the tale of Charlotte and Jan’s idea of having their daughter born in Norway coming to nothing. I would be afraid to travel anywhere if I was due to give birth at any moment.

I rolled back home at about 10.30 and walked Callie through Hill Top Woods for her final walk of the day. This evening she started on the sheepskin rug but at some time in the night she padded off downstairs again. I heard her pad back up at just before six to poke her nose into my ear (like she has always done).

Wednesday June 18^th.

Usual morning. I have decided to work through today’s and tomorrow’s lunchtime so I can zoom up to Dad’s at lunchtime on Friday. That way I can be there by about three o’clock and Laura and I can commit some serious rumpy pumpy before the aged parent (and step-mum) get home. I guess it would be frowned upon if we excused ourselves after dinner and headed straight for the bedroom!

Laura thought this was a brilliant idea unless she gets Tom’s Call before Friday night. I am getting pretty close too, it would be so annoying to be on when we want to have sex again! Our periods have become more or less synchronised since we started living together, which is pretty weird.

The majority of today was spent collating and indexing all that I had found on cases involving recovered memory so that the information will be easily retrievable and accessible when it’s needed.

We planned next Wednesday’s girl meal night too; we will be at Rachel’s house next week, which is good as Laura will be back. I wouldn’t have fancied turning up without her, it would certainly have caused much speculation among the girls. They (OK we) do tend to nag away at changes to our routines.

Laura’s Dad is in the process of getting her a little car! Erm.. What? It seems one of the people at his work (he is a lorry driver) has an aged parent who is selling off her V Reg Nissan Micra. It has only done 48K miles and has been serviced as regular as clock work. What makes the deal even better than most is the fact she only wants £425 for it! If it bears up to Eric’s scrutiny he is going to buy it for Laura and make sure it is in excellent working order before giving it to her when we come back from Australia in September. This is pretty neat and comes at the problem of Laura’s mobility from a completely different perspective than mine. Having been on my insurance for over a year she has built up a small no claims amount but if the premium is too high her Dad is going to insure the vehicle in his name and put her on the policy as the only named driver! Good planning, Mr Thomas. I approve! 

Didn’t get to see Hetty Feather at the Crucible after all, either my bloody brother has discovered this blog (I fucking hope not - he will kill me, after he has passed on all my secrets to my Mum) or someone blabbed about me thinking he should be encouraging his children to visit the theatre by going himself. Anyway, the upshot was he asked if he could have my ticket and go with Jane instead of me. Jane’s Mum had been roped in to babysit Sophie. I agreed with alacrity and then decided not to get myself a single ticket, miles away from them in the auditorium, so they went alone. Good job too really. To show that Phil isn’t a complete pillock all the time he actually gave me a cheque for the cost of the tickets. They had a whale of a time. I bet even more because Daddy was with them instead of Mum with Aunt Vic, as usual.

Hit the charp relatively early and had a dream free night despite trying my best to dream about either Richard or Laura tonight. Rats!

Thursday 19^th June.

Usual routine again this morning – dog walk, swim, breakfast, shower, off to work. I have looked for recovered memory old cases until I think I have exhausted the subject. If there are anymore out there they are hiding themselves extremely well.

Worked through lunch and left at 6pm tonight so I could zoom off at 1pm tomorrow. As I was leaving I bumped into Mr Carr. I do see him occasionally. He was pleased about my research for Ms X, my favourite barrister. I was surprised he knew already. He told me that he kept an eye on John’s girl to make sure he hadn’t been foolish in employing me. However, over the years since I had started I had become one of the best researchers they’d ever employed. It is lovely to hear praise like this from one of the head honchos. I joking said, “Oh does that mean I should ask for a pay rise?” He laughed but went on with, “It actually means I wish you’d consider working in Law when you complete your PhD. We’d be really pleased to have you on the staff here full time.”

I went through the usual platitudes about being flattered etc but I did emphasise that it had always been my dream to follow in Dad’s footsteps and I was desperate to become a lecturer. If it all went pear shaped could I take him up on his offer? He was non-committal in his reply. He did say I was obviously my father’s daughter; when they had finished Balliol together Dad had been determined to pursue a career in academia and he had single-mindedly gone for it until he succeeded.

I told him that was Dad, stubborn as the proverbial mule.

We crossed the car park still joking with each other, which is hardly surprising really when you consider I have known Mr Carr (Tim) all my life. I wondered what other people would make of our easy and casual friendship; would they think, “there goes the boss with his little piece of fluff”?

He asked when I was seeing the old goat again and when I said tomorrow, he asked me to give him his regards and that he hoped the pregnancy was progressing safely. (That was a surprise, too!) I told him I would bring back a disc of Louisa’a ultrasound scan if he wanted, he declined that delight…

Mum was waiting at home for me with a couple of bundles. They were a couple of dresses she had seen out shopping which she thought I would love, so she bought them both as she couldn’t make up her mind which she like best. One had a really elaborately embroidered bodice, a bit like a salwar kemeez and a shortish skirt instead of the full one which a salwar has. The bodice is absolutely gorgeous and even better than that, it fits perfectly. It is a beautiful pale green colour. I loved it.

The second is a shortish jersey dress with lace inserts in strategic places, no I don’t mean across the bosom or bum area! It is a pale lilac colour and is also gorgeous. Being jersey this fits even better than the green dress. It is quite a bit shorter too. I was surprised Mum bought something like this but she remembered the three jersey dresses I had in Australia and thought this would go well with those. Good old Mum.

Even better Mum had brought dinner with her, OK it needed cooking, but she slapped a huge trout on the drainer and said, “You want salad or veggies with it?”

I said, “Both.”

So I prepped some salad while she stuck on a pan of baby tates and then a few mixed greens, after 10 minutes. We opened a Houghton White Burgundy and had a really enjoyable, and surprising meal. After we had scoffed the fish and eaten the last of the apple pie I started on Tuesday we had a post prandial sprawl in the conservatory. Mum asked how my week without Laura had been and I simply replied, “Hell!”

She said that was good. I obviously felt much more for her now that I had in Australia last summer (their winter). I had to point out that circumstances were different then, I was apart from her for five days out of every seven whereas now we were together all the time. I have been quite bereft at times and felt as though a part of me is missing.

She repeated the word, “Good. That means you really do love her and it isn’t just a silly pash or whatever you girls used to call it at school.”

I asked her how she felt about that and she said, “Well, honestly I would have preferred a BF but that is just selfish old me hoping there may be another grandchild along. Knowing that you two really are in love and happy together, you know that I think it is fine too. I also know your Gran has come round to the idea of you and Laura being a couple which is like a leopard changing its spots.”

I told her I knew that, even though she joked about introducing the lesbians to her group of cronies, I could tell she was pleased that I was happy regardless of the person’s gender who had made me happy.

I asked her what Aussie Gran would have said about the idea.

I didn’t get the answer I was expecting, “She’d probably have written you out of her will!”

I thought she was joking, but apparently she was in earnest. Gertrude may have appeared liberal and tolerant but she was as bigoted and narrow minded as the rest of the world. “She did send your Dad to Harrow, remember?”

We moved into the kitchen so I could Skype the subject of our previous conversation and after a few minutes had the call hijacked as Mum and Molly had a long chat about how they couldn’t do anything with their daughters these days blah… blah… blah…

Long after the call, and when Mum had left, I had a text from Laura saying “I love you and your Mum, she’s really funny! Hurry up tomorrow!”

My reply was “You betcha!”

Yomping on Kinder Scout. Old guy plays footsie with me! [Yuck!]

Friday June 13^th

I am not superstitious, touch wood.

I spent a solitary morning walking Callie in Hill Top Wood. She seemed a bit confused by the absence of the other girl’s smell in the house and kept padding up stairs to the study (My attic) and back as though she was searching for Laura.

I had a solitary swim at the pool and tried for 150 lengths to compensate for being alone. This was foolish as I almost made myself sick with the extra effort. Sarah and I had a long chat and I tried to show a cheerful face to hide how tearful I felt. She said I must find it strange without Laura and my eyes brimmed but didn’t spill.

I decided to try and cheer myself up by reading my new book. It’s Mary Beard’s new one about humour in Ancient Rome. This took me out of my blue patch for a while, in fact for most of the morning.

This arvo I set to and attacked the garden, getting the thing tidied up, the lawn cut short and weeds removed. This is not a long job and by about 2.30 I had done all I could do. So I repainted the outside of Callie’s palace with the green wood-stain as another make work job. This took me over an hour and attracted the attention of Steve and Ann. They told me this was the longest time they had seen me spend in the garden since I built the dog run for Callie. I explained I was at a loose end with Laura being at her Mum

& Dad’s.

I was invited to come round for tea, so I accepted with alacrity. At 5pm I presented myself at their door and was greeted like a long lost friend. We had a lovely meal of home cooked fish and chips with a really scrumptious apple pie for dessert. I wasn’t sure what we’d be having so I took a bottle of white and a bottle of red. We proved that red wine doesn’t really go with fish and chips!

They had a couple of their friends round too. Katie and Rob. They must’ve been about midway in age between me and them. Katie was quite a large person and Rob quite skinny. They seemed quite an oddly matched pair. I am sure that Rob tried to play footsie with me under the table at one point, so I moved my leg out of the way and he did it again. I kicked out at his leg and think I hit his shin.

I once had sex with a guy who’d played footsie with me at a packed dinner table. This old guy had no chance at all. Even if he’d been a younger guy he’d have had no chance at all. Even Johnny Depp would

have had no chance at all. OK, maybe Johnny Depp would…

I stayed until about 6.30 when I rushed back home and skyped Laura. We chatted for an hour and I was determined she wouldn’t see my crying. We both confessed to missing each other like mad and couldn’t wait until next Friday.

Saturday June 14^th.

It was a glorious morning, so after the dog walk and swim I went into town, parked the car and caught the Manchester bus. Callie and I got dropped on the Snake Road at the point where it crossed the flat bit between Kinder Scout and Bleaklow. My plan was to walk across the Kinder plateau and then drop down into Edale at the far end to catch the train back to Sheffield.

I admit I was a bit worried about finding my way if the mist came down but I needn’t have worried as the Pennine Way route was so well defined in places it was like a bloody motorway. We (that is Callie and I) did find ourselves in dense low clouds for a while but we just walked on the path way, following the map and a compass bearing and we arrived at The Downfall for our lunch stop.

Masses of people came yomping past us. Far more than I was expecting, but I remembered it was a Saturday after all and that sort of explained it. I ate my snap and had a drink from my flask and looked at Hayfield (I think) down the valley for a good half an hour. By the time I’d done that the cloud had gone and we struck out for Edale. Again I took a bearing, this time from Downfall to Grindsbrook, just to be on the safe side and off we toddled.

It was a bloody good job I did. This area of the top was really flat bit riven by deep peaty troughs, called peat hags. I found that once at the bottom of one I couldn’t see out at all. Even standing on the top of the next hag didn’t improve my visibility all that much either. If I hadn’t taken a bearing I wouldn’t have had an idea of where I was aiming at all as the featureless plateau had nothing to focus upon to guide me.

It did get a bit hot swarming up the side of these stupid troughs, so after about five of these I unzipped my trouser bottoms to reveal my legs to the world. I think they are one of my best features (guys will tell you it’s my bosom, no doubt) but they did look a tad pasty and lacking colour. I will have to wear more short skirts and shorts to get some colour back in them. Despite my colouration I do seem to tan quite well. Last year my legs were so well tanned I was able to wander around without tights for ages as my legs were so brown anyway. I digress.

Using the trusty compass I eventually pitched up at the top of Grindsbrook with only one slight mishap having befallen me. I decided, about half way across the plateau, if I jumped across the trough I would be spared the strenuous climb out on the other side. This was easier said than done, however, as the troughs would have needed an Olympic long jumper to clear them completely and I invariably landed about half way up the slope of the trough opposite. This wasn’t too much of a problem as I landed two footed and weighing only about 9 stone, I figured I wouldn’t sink in much.

This proved true until about 50 yards from Grindsbrook, which I could sort of make out from the trough tops by now. I launched myself across the gaping chasm and landed two footed on the opposite side only to sink in up to my knees! I let out a cry of anguish but discovered that it was as easy as anything to get myself out of the hole I had made for myself. On top of the next hag I wiped my legs clean and examined my boots and socks, which were clagged up to the ankles with black soggy peaty mud. Luckily, being Goretex line boots, they hadn’t let in water, but they did look a mess. I had to fight back a burning desire to get one of the cloths I carry in my rucksack out, to clean up my boots there and then (the OCD kicking in) but I was able to resist the urge and we carried on to the top of the brook as planned.

There I dumped my rucksack, scrabbled about inside it for the raggy bit of cloth, took off my boots and spent a good twenty minutes cleaning the horrible muddy mess from them. I know it is stupid and not worth the bother, but it is something I just have to do. Interestingly, although I spent a while cleaning my footwear I didn’t do anything about a completely clagged up puppy who sat and watched me busily cleaning. I reasoned that by the time we got to the bottom of Grindsbrook the daft dog would have been in and out of the water so much she’d have washed all the mud from herself naturally. (This indeed proved to be the case.)

In Edale village I went into the Old Nag’s Head and asked if they served tea. They did. So I had a pot of tea before wandering off again to the station to wait for the train back to Sheffield. This line has to be one of the prettiest I have travelled along, it skirts the foot of Lose Hill and Win Hill then stcks to the valley floor until it hits Hathersage. Then we disappeared into a long tunnel which brought us out back in Sheffield. Rah rah rah. (This bit was a bit grubby in comparison, TBH.)

We walked through the city back to the car park, with me getting a few stares for being in hiking gear and shorts. We arrived home at about 3.00pm where I ran a bath instead of a shower and had a long hot soak and relaxed. I relaxed even more in the bedroom where I treated myself to a session with the Rabbit.

I skyped Laura as usual at six thirty and told her about my day. Strangely enough she had been walking with her sister Avril and family and then she had had a long relaxing bath afterwards. I bet she used her rabbit too. We didn’t mention this as Loll’s folks were in the room and even joined in at one point.

I was a good girl. I didn’t cry. (OK. I did when the call ended.)

Sunday June 15^th.

Went over to Mum’s for the day. She said she wanted to go round some of the north Derbyshire garden centres so I drove us to Calton Lees, the one in Hope Valley, one at Calver Sough (which I didn’t even know existed) and a Cactus nursery in Matlock. This was some sort of penance I think.

At first I was OK with it, I had never been to the Calver one, after we’d done the Hope Valley place. Then we pitched up at Chatsworth’s Calton Lees one by which time I was beginning to flag despite letting Callie have a good old run in the Duchess of Devonshire’s garden. I suggested we went to Caudwell’s Mill tea room for a snakerooni and Mum agreed.

After our scoff she decided she wanted to find this blasted Cactus Nursery in Matlock. It took bloody ages. In the end I called up the address on my mobile phone and found the route from where we were (Matlock Bath). I was disappointed by the place but Mum thought it was ideal and she bought a handful of succulent plants. Thoroughly garden shopped out, I drove us back to Mum’s and a very late lunch or early dinner.

After a super lunner or dinch we had a long old gossip about life, the universe and everything (no not the book!). This is something we do once in a while. I confessed to feeling completely adrift without Laura and Mum told me this was a good sign that our relationship meant something and was serious. I knew that anyway.

I spilled the beans about my worry over what would happen next. Laura’s graduation is the large elephant in the room. When she does that I am really concerned that what career path she decides to follow may take her away from me and Sheffield. I know it is selfish to hope it doesn’t, but I am scared that it is very, very likely.

Mum asked if Laura moved away would it make me love her any the less. I said that it wouldn’t. She asked what the matter was then. We would sort something out when the time came. There was no point in borrowing trouble before it happened. To be fair I have used this philosophy all my life – don’t worry about things before hand as it may never happen. It is a bit of an Australian approach to life. I told Mum this and she hooted, telling me at least my father had been good for more than their three children then!

Mum has been busy with her camera films from Australia last year. She has put them on to her lap top and tonight she burned them onto a CD for me to have. They were such fun to see again. I could see why Mum objected to my denim shorts so much on the times I wore them; my buttocks were hanging out the back of them most of the time. I hadn’t realised how short they actually were. At one point she spoke to herself saying, “I hope Vic doesn’t bend over or we’ll have a second new moon visible!” That got us into hysterics.

She went on to say, “As for that bloody lace top. If you ever wear that again don’t put on the nude bra with it. We had guys walking into lamp-posts as they were too busy ogling your breasts to watch where they were going, as it looks like you have nothing on underneath it…”

“But that was the idea, Mum!”

We had to agree to differ.

I kind of like the idea of guys checking me out. It makes me feel good about myself. Is that such a crime? Mum thought it was a short step from that to selling my body for money (if only you knew, Mum, I thought).

The video of us at the wildlife park holding the koalas was magical, as was the feeding of the Roos in Dunsborough. I am so looking forward to sitting at home and watching this CD through by myself properly to fully appreciate it. Laura is going to love it.

I left for home at about 8pm after we had skyped Laura together and Mum and Molly had reminisced about the old times when she was Mum & Dad’s cleaner / caretaker at our holiday home, before they divorced. Molly hinted that she wished she’d had the courage to do the same years ago. I was a bit shocked and so was Laura. It was obvious there was going to be a long conversation about this when our skyping was over.

Back home I sewed some more of my Ruskin project, walked the woofie and had a solitary night – again.

Love sick already. (After only 24 hours!)

Monday June 9^th.

One day until Laura’s last exam. Two days until she leaves me for a week at her Mum & Dad’s. I didn’t think I would be worried but I am. I know it’s silly but apart from the odd night where I have been away doing research for my PhD, this will be the longest time we have been apart since she moved in with me! I am taking her to the station on Wednesday and I won’t be with her again until a week on Friday. OMG. How will I cope?

It is really, really scary. It is also really, really stupid to feel like this! I need to knuckle down and get a grip.

I am so tempted to say Bugger Uni. It is only one day after she leaves that we officially can call it quits for the year. I have already booked myself in at XXX & Y for the week after she goes and then for the rest of the time right up to our flight to Australia. This will cover my absence from work for the time we are out there and give me some time in lieu as well. In fact five weeks full time will give me the equivalent of 17 weeks off from my part-time work if I need it. I will use 8 weeks’ worth for the trip.

Laura stayed at home doing last minute revision and I went off into Uni as usual. Feli and I just mucked about really. We didn’t feel like getting anything done that we’d be putting away for a couple of months so I taught her how to play hearts. We found a couple of other people to join us and we had a morning’s card school. We used Feli’s office which has much more space than my broom cupboard.

Tea was waiting for me on my arrival home and then afterwards Loll went off to Dominic’s for the last time before we go away. I collected her from the restaurant at closing time and we spent a long leisurely shower together after walking Callie through Hill Top Wood.

I asked Laura if she’d miss me while at her Mum & Dad’s. She said that she would but it was only for a few days and we could Skype each other every night. I insisted that we had to do that, every night at 6.30 on the button.

Tuesday June 10^th.

Why on earth do the Uni use Sheffield Wednesday’s football ground as an exam venue? It seems mad to me. I left Laura at the entrance and then fought my way through the traffic to the Uni buildings. She was going to catch the bus back home straight after her exam rather than wander into the city to find me at the Uni or the solicitors’.

Laura was very pleased with the way her last exam had gone. She thought she had managed it very well. She reflected on how different this year had been compared to her one at Lancaster, last year. She said that a huge part of her success (assuming she did succeed) was down to the stability and love she had got from me during the year. I almost wept. If I was going to assess the year too, I think it has to have been one of the happiest years of my life. [It certainly matches the years I had with Richard for happiness and contentment although, still being an undergraduate at the time, they were very different to my year with Laura.]

 She had made a huge salad with prawns for our meal and it was delicious. We went out with Callie after tea doing a small walk from Hugh Bradfield that takes in Richer Edge, Agden reservoir and Low Bradfield village too. We pitched up in the Old Horns pub and had a bottle of wine between us.

We were quietly sipping our Semillon / Sauvignon blanc when we got hit upon by two likely lads who thought their luck was in when they spotted us at the table by the window. We politely told them to go away; then to get lost and finally in a voice too loud for the room we told them if they continued harassing us we’d inform the landlord! The barman heard and came over to see what was happening. Rah rah rah. He told the two guys that if they continued to give us any trouble he would ask them to leave. It is lucky that I have used the pub quite a lot, so he knew who I was by face if not by name. I introduced us to him, he was called James. He seemed quite nice and was obviously pleased to be our knight errant! (Even if his wandering was only from the bar to our table.)

We finished our wine and zoomed off home. Thinking about previous idiots who have tried to chat me (and us) up I was expecting trouble of some kind when we left but the two beaux just sat at their table supping their ale.

Callie was still expecting a bit of a stroll before bedtime so I let her have a run on the back field before we hit the charp.

Wednesday June 11^th

Well today’s the day…

How will I cope with Laura not being around after tonight? This is pretty much unexplored territory for me. Before she moved in we lived our love affair apart, with me in Sheffield and she in Lancaster; I could get my head round that idea because the situation was fixed and immutable. That all changed last year when she moved to Sheffield and I had a live in lover for only the second time in my life.

What was strange at first has become acceptable and routine (in a way) but still exciting and wonderful too; like it did when I moved in with Richard in Cambridge. I know what Laura was feeling when she made the sea change, as I have been there myself. I know I am being silly over a few days apart but I am worried that I will go to pieces about it.

We did the usual stuff this morning and then Laura drove me to work so she could have use of the car for the day, she needed to do some shopping for her folks. I think she was buying them presents.

I had a long chat with Mrs Briggs and she said she understood exactly what I was going through with this “break” but I was being silly to worry as it wasn’t a ‘break – break’, just a time apart while she visited her parents . She told me she thought what we had together, from what she had seen on the times we have been out together [at concerts, the theatre or meals] was very strong and very special and in a way it made her jealous to witness our emotional attachment as she and her partner had grown a bit less exciting over the years they’d been together.

She thought a strength of our relationship would be seeing how good we were when we had some time apart. That sort of made sense to me, it hasn’t taken away the knot in my tummy though.

Laura picked me up at 4.30pm and I drove us both across the Snake Road to Manchester. We stopped at the very top of the route to let Callie stretch her legs as she was going to be cooped up in the car in the city while I made sure Loll caught her train.

We had a minor emotional scene on the platform as her train was scheduled to leave. We had a mega hug and then I did a repeat of our first ever serious snog on the platform in almost the same place we did it almost two years ago. Once again we didn’t care a hoot about the other people, passengers, staff etc around us, we just let the world know we were a couple who were parting for a while. I have to admit I had a rather wet cheek as I walked back to the car.

I think Callie sensed my confused emotions as she kept nudging my hand as I let her have a run round the car-park before I drove us both home.

I had a text almost as soon as I walked in the door at home from Laura. “Mum picked me up at the station. Skype tomorrow at 6.30pm. I LOVE you lots and lots.”

That made my cheeks wet again! I am a silly cow.

Thursday June 12^th.

Last day at Uni. It is like a ghost town. Once packed places are almost deserted. I bumped into Mandy and her BF who are staying in the city for a week before they go on separate family holidays to exotic foreign locations. I reminded her to send me a card, she promised she would and then surprised me by giving me a hug. She whispered, “Thank you for everything…” I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t really done anything I thought, just been my usual muddling through self.

Feli and I made a pretence of doing some work but neither of us had our hearts in it. Feli is zooming away to Bordeaux tomorrow, she is crewing on a yacht around Arcachon Bay area for a few weeks during the summer. I told her I was envious, I haven’t sailed properly for over a year and a half, when I was out with my sister and brother-in-law on their yacht in the Indian Ocean. She said she envied me going for almost two months to Australia. I suppose it shows that the other person’s grass does seem greener.

We decided to have a long lunch at Lokanta and then call it a day / week / year from there.

Back home seemed really strange and quiet without my beautiful girl waiting for me. I was tempted to text her and skype her immediately but that would have, maybe, worried her and seemed a bit on the desperate side too – especially as it wasn’t even 24 hours since she’d gone. Instead I had a blast of some rousing Wagner to lift the gloom.

I went through the house cleaning and polishing like a maniac while the music was playing, even though I had given it a thorough clean over the weekend, like I usually do. I put all my dirty washing on, I was tempted to wash the bedding but when I went to remove the pillow cases the smell of Laura was still lingering there so I decided I wouldn’t wash them at all until next Friday, when I was driving up to Cumbria to be reunited. She would have laughed at the idea that I would sleep in sheets that were over a week old, knowing how obsessive I am about things like that. I hope she would be touched by why I hadn’t washed them though. I am resolved not to be wimpy or weedy though when we talk and skype. That would just be pathetic, even though my stomach is in a permanent knot and my heart is aching already.

We skyped for an hour at 6.30 pm. I talked to Laura, her Mum (Molly) and Stephen (Brother). They had a giggle at the fact I had cleaned the house, especially when she said, “Are you removing all traces of me then?” She was joking but I almost sobbed. I coughed to hide the emotion I was feeling.

I felt even worse after we had talked than I had before. I am a complete drongo. I shouldn’t feel like this. I am a rational, educated woman. I have emotional intelligence and common sense.

I just miss her so much already! Arrrggghhhhh!

Climbing on Limestone and bridge abseiling.

Friday June 6^th.

What a drongo I am! 

Yesterday’s wasn’t Laura’s penultimate exam, she has TWO more! One of which is on Saturday! I mean, Saturday? What is the world coming to? In a weird departure from the norm that beats Saturday for her exam, is the fact that her final one, on Tuesday, is at Sheffield Wednesday’s football ground. (It really is her final one, honest.) How mad does that sound? It means she is only a couple from miles from the venue to home when she has finished (it ends at 11) so she is going to catch a bus back to Oughtibridge rather than wend her weary way westwards to XXX & Y after the exam is over. Callie will be surprised to see her at least.

She spent most of the day revising for Maths II, which is a three hour jobbie, tomorrow morning in the Teaching Suite. Well, that’s what she told me she’d been doing. Arriving home to a meal of home-made burgers and chips and a freshly baked lemon drizzle cake did make me wonder how much revision went on when there was cooking in evidence. The burgers were great. I do love our home made ones, they are so much nicer than premade, shop bought ones.

I had a strange phone call from Nadia K. this evening (the old school friend I bumped into in Australia last year). She was looking through her photo’s and found some of us having lunch at Perth. She remembered I had said I would try and get across the Irish Sea to Derry; she wondered if I was still going to? (She obviously had forgotten the huge row we had about my Lesbianism!) I explained that I had myself fully booked until September with work at the solicitors’ and then another two months in Australia. I am not sure whether she sounded disappointed or relieved, TBH. Laura thinks she sounds like a complete pillock and, after our spat last year, I am very much inclined to concur with her assessment.

Dad called again to see whether we were going to let Phil and Jane use the van on Arran. I am a bit ambivalent about it to be honest. I know he is my brother and all that but he does veer towards pillockhood too! They would find the space at a premium, with the van having only two bedrooms and Angela and Peter being too old to share any more. Plus there is baby Sophie to consider in all this. Then, there is the fact that we have stocked it with only enough items for four people: four settings four dinner; four of each kind of glass ware etc etc. I think Dad got my drift.

TBH, I think it is a fucking cheek on his part. He was given a chance to come in with us on the purchase but he made his feelings very clear to me on the subject (he obviously didn’t to Dad) so I don’t see why we should even consider letting the cheapskate use OUR van. I hope Dad doesn’t let him after all, I will be very annoyed if he does!

Laura wandered down to Dominic’s again tonight and I went and collected her as usual. This time I took the car so we wouldn’t have the drag up the hill to my little house. She had made over £35 in tips again. She likes the work but is looking forward to being at XXX & Y with me for a month when her exams finish.

Saturday June 7^th.

We didn’t alter our routine for the day, even though it was an exam day for Lollster. So we swam after the joint dog walk and then after Brekkers I drove Laura up to the Phildelphia Teaching Centre for her final Maths exam (that’s where I had got confused last week – the last actual exam she does is Probability Modelling). This place is just off Penistone Road, so once I had dropped her off I took Callie for a stroll up Rivelin Valley. It was so peaceful and warm as I strolled past the old dams built for some long forgotten industry at Malin Bridge. There are quite a few of them as you walk up the track that eventually leads to the A57, Snake Road. There is a little shop there where I bought an ice cream and then we sauntered back down to the car at the bottom.

I did a grocery shop at Morrisons (£120! Phew!) and then went to pick up the Lollster who was standing outside the building as I pulled up. I was dead on time so they must’ve started and finished exactly on time too. She saw the bags on the back seat and said, “You haven’t forgotten I am going to Tallentire on Wednesday, have you?” I assured her I hadn’t and the grocery mountain was to tide me over the long lonely hours while she would be away. She slapped my arm.

The plan is I will drive the Little Darling One over to Manchester Piccadilly station where she’ll get the train up to Carlisle, on Wednesday. Molly has arranged to pick her up at the other end. Then on the weekend of the 20^th (Friday) I will zoom up to Dad’s for the weekend and we’ll come back down together for a month of time at XXX & Y.

It will be strange having the house to myself for a week and a bit. Like it used to be before last September.

Back home we unloaded the car and then went to Rock. We did some messing about on the Limestone Cliffs in Monsal Dale. They make a change (and a challenge) compared to the gritstone of the edges. We found plenty of chocked routes and ready belayed places on the first couple of ascents and then spent a happy hour abseiling down off the Monsal Head Viaduct. That was great fun, especially as we attracted a crowd at one point and I showed off by going down head first. It looks really spectacular but is quite safe. You do need strong stomach muscles and good leather gloves to avoid rope burns.

We had an early evening meal at the Bowling Green in Bradwell, I have been here before with Alan. On that occasion Alan stepped on the pub cat which was asleep in the dining room and he threw his beer all over the windows as he fell. I had a huge fit of the giggles and was no help at all and he just got more and more annoyed with me. I still giggled when I told Laura about it.

She asked me why I hadn’t been serious about Alan, as he sounded quite a catch. I explained that materially he probably was: partner in a veterinary practice; he owned his house; there were no ties or baggage from previous relationships; he was a Scot (which helps). The only sex we had was good but not earth shattering [I had given him a few blowjobs and he had made passable efforts to lick me to orgasm a few times too] the main downer was the fact that he was not interested in most of the things that I was. He wasn’t a theatre goer; he didn’t listen to classical music; he said that he had no time for reading; rock climbing was a foreign language; I couldn’t get him out fell walking in the Peak District.

If I had been the sort of woman who wanted a stable secure marriage with a couple of children and was prepared for a dull sort of life, then he would have been ideal. Plus when compared to Richard, he didn’t hold a candle either – but no man I have met since his death has, TBH.

We drove home through the Hope Valley, up past Ladybower reservoir and round the basin of the Strines Inn and reservoirs too. Callie got a stroll home from Onesacre and Laura drove the last mile back to our house. This was planned so we could start having a lot of sex and not be interrupted by having to take Callie for her final walk of the day.

Our pillow talk after we had both had an orgasm was about Laura’s probability exam, from earlier in the week, and how she really enjoyed that field of maths. She was thinking of going into work after Uni which would be in that direction. I have the awful feeling that it is very probable that when she does that I may lose her. I can’t imagine anywhere in the local area where she would be able to work in that field. (But hey, what do I know about Maths?)

Sunday June 8^th.

Had a mini lie-in this morning; until 7.30, when Callie could obviously stand it no longer and she came and nuzzled me in bed.

Laura had her last full day of revision and I cooked lunch for us two and Mum. She had driven over to see how Loll’s exams had gone. Like me, she thought they were over by now, but that was because I had been her source of information!

She had news about Gran. She has won a local knitting competition which means her design for a three dimensional knitted object is entered in a Scotland wide competition. She had made a bunch of Fuchsias in wool! I can’t really picture it myself. Mum said that Gran was really pleased with herself. I did wonder why I hadn’t had a call from Gran herself about this but I said nothing.

We explained about Laura going up to her Mum & Dad’s after the last exam and, when Loll had toddled off for her afternoon revision session, Mum asked if there was anything the matter between us. I was tempted to be sarcastic to her but in the end I realised she wasn’t being snotty about it, she seriously wanted to know. I explained that Laura just wanted a break from everything before we embarked on our work at XXX & Y together and then zoomed to Aus. Plus her Mum had wanted to see her as she was missing her regular visits. [We don’t seem to have been to Dad’s much since Easter.]

Mum was miffed that she hadn’t been told about Laura getting work at the solicitors’ so I got it in the neck for not keeping her up to date on all our news. A bit unfair I thought, but that’s Mum for you. She can keep secrets or not tell you stuff, but if you do the same she gets annoyed.

Mum stayed for tea – cold collation with meat from the leg of lamb – and then went off to Holmesfield at about 8.30.

A fairly quiet end to the weekend really. All that is on the cards for the next week is Laura’s final exam and her going to Cumbria and me taking Angela and Peter to see Hetty Feather at the theatre in a week’s time.  

My secret little love bump gets sore!

Monday June 2^nd.

Laura is staying at home to revise whilst I am going in to Uni for my final week (I think). She has decided to work at the restaurant every night and do her revision during the day. I think it seems a sensible approach. She is ahead of the curve in most subjects anyway and the money is useful for her feeling of independence. The only exam she is not sure about is Probability Modelling but she hasn’t spent as much time on that as on her other modules so far. I am sure she will shine.

Our supervisor told Feli and me that our work ends on the 12^th. It seems a strange day but who are we to argue? I contacted Mrs Briggs after our meeting and told her I would be available full time for the next four weeks after the 12^th. She seemed quite pleased with the idea of me coming back to work, full time, even for a short while. Laura is spending the first week after her final exam back up in Cumbria with her Mum and Dad as they have been missing her (so they say) and she will decide what to do with the four weeks of my being at XXX & Y when the time comes. I am hoping she’ll want to stay down in Sheffield with me, but it could be quite boring for her with me at work all day. I will see if Mrs B can’t swing it for her to get taken on as a temp somehow, that would be brilliant.

When I arrived home she informed me Prob. Mod. was in the bag. Something had clicked during the day and she was 100% convinced she will breeze the exam. I hope she is right. She had certainly breezed the evening meal. We had the last of the scallops from the freezer and they were delicious. I told her I can’t wait to take her to some of the brilliant sea food places in Western Australia. She will be blown away by them.

Dad phoned and asked me if I was going to use the van before we zoomed off to Australia. I told him I didn’t have the time as I would be working at XXX & Y until our flight. He accused me of being a workaholic. I said I probably was. Louisa has been experiencing morning sickness with the spog. I thought that was a bit early but he told me I knew nothing about it, he’d been through it four times now! No arguing with that I guess. I asked him what the ‘real’ matter was and he told me he has had an argument with Suze. She wants Louisa to have a scan done as soon as possible in case the baby has any problems; he told her it wasn’t necessary. So she lost her rag at him and told him it was bloody necessary, the kid could have downs or even worse, being from such an old mother.

I can usually tell when Dad phones me for an ulterior reason.

He wants me to Skype my sister tomorrow and beg her humble forgiveness on his behalf. I couldn’t believe it. I said I wouldn’t do it. It wasn’t my place to be mediator. It was up to him to sort it out. Suze was only thinking of the baby with her request. I though he was going to have an argument with me but he gave a huge sigh and said he knew it was his problem, but he was a coward. He was also scared about Louisa’s pregnancy and he couldn’t cope if the baby wasn’t “normal”. I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just “ummed”.

I spent the rest of the evening, while Laura was at Dominic’s, researching the incidence of abnormalities in births to older mothers. The statistics were not good. I think I may have frightened myself with the details so I decided I wouldn’t share them with Dad. I did resolve to call Suze tomorrow and have a proper talk with her about ‘complications’.

Tuesday June 3^rd.

A normal start to the day with dog walking and swimming as per usual and then we had a fraught Skype with Suze as she is quite (no, very) concerned that Dad seems so cavalier about Louisa and the baby. I was able to tell her he was frightened for both her and the baby and was really sorry he’d argued with her yesterday. She said that he wasn’t sorry enough to call and apologise to her. I couldn’t answer that and I didn’t try to defend him. She told me lots of facts about older mothers and the problems their children may develop. They frightened me even more than reading about them from the web. I told her I thought I ought to go out and get pregnant now then, if there were so many problems with having babies when you are in your later years (relatively).

She then tried to calm my fears by saying that the statistics made them seem higher because of the anomaly of the small demographic skewing the results. [That was exactly what Laura had been telling me for most of last night, to be honest, and I did report that to Suze who said, “Well, there you are then… …if a statistical analyst tells you that, you don’t need a nurse spelling it out do you?”

I told her I wanted everyone spelling it out and reassuring me and telling me it would be OK and not to worry. All the time every day until Louisa had the baby. She thought I was being silly. I reminded her it wasn’t silly, I still hadn’t any children at all while she had three beautiful healthy ones. I wasn’t really worried about Louisa, I was worried about me.

I got, “I know that, you drongo!”

On a lighter note I had good chats with Jill and Annabelle, who are getting excited about their mad Aunt coming to visit. Jeff was out playing AFL somewhere after school. Jill is still undecided about doing the camper van tour again (in reverse direction this time) I suppose it is because she doesn’t know Laura at all apart from our shared time on Skype with them. Annabelle is as keen as mustard to meet her and just knows they’ll be great friends.

The rest of the day was banality itself. We did the revise at home (Laura) University and Solicitors’ (me) and I came home to some delicious gammon strips with a pasta sauce and fusilli for our evening meal, after all that had gone on.

When Laura went down to the restaurant I made a couple of tray bake cakes. A chocolate fudge one and an apple and rhubarb crumble. The A & R crumble I made because I’d been talking about them at XXX & Y and foolishly said I would bring one in for the girls (women) in the Archives department. I hope they like it. I couldn’t wait until Laura got home to watch the last episode of Happy Valley. I am convinced that Sarah Lancashire should get an acting gong for her work in this series. I had recorded it too and for some stupid reason I pretended to Laura that I hadn’t seen it so I then had to bite my tongue to avoid spilling the beans on what I’d seen and blowing the whistle on my foolish deception! Why do we do such stupid things?

We decided that making love would be more fun than watching the end of the series, so we did. Laura is convinced tomorrow’s exam will not be as hard as she was expecting. I hope she is right. I feel so helpless as her area of expertise is so far removed from anything I do or have ever done that I can be on no practical help to her at all. I can offer her moral support and my unconditional love and hope that will be enough.

It sometimes worries me that this disparity in our working and educational lives could ultimately cause an irreparable beech in our relationship. Will she want someone that understands exactly what she is talking about (and vice versa) instead of me looking at her sometimes as though she is speaking Swahili? I guess it is easier for her to understand what I am doing than I find it understanding her maths. I do try to get it, but often I feel as stupid as a primary school child faced with calaculus!

Wednesday June 4^th.

Laura was up and walking the dog with me this morning, I suppose that is just a sign of her nervousness about today’s exam. We swam the usual number of lengths at the pool, ate our breakfast as normal and then I drove us both into the city. I dropped the Lollster at exam hall and then went on to XXX & Y. She is coming up to the office immediately after the exam and we’ll have lunch together.

I thought she was really quite well prepared for the exam, but as she went towards the door she turned back, rushed up to me, gave me a huge hug and kissed me – a passionate, heart and soul kiss, like she’d done on Manchester Piccadilly station all those months (years) ago. She was really quite worried. I gave her my usual comforting words and noises but left a little worried myself. If she was worried about her exam, it must be quite a challenge for her. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know when I am worried about stuff at work or Uni it makes me much better at what I am doing. I don’t get complacent or blasé about it and subsequent do a much better job than I expected. I hoped this worked for Laura today.

The rhubarb and apple crumble went down a treat. Word must’ve been played over the jungle telegraph as quite a few people kept dropping by to ask if there was any cake still going; including Christopher from accounts and my favourite barrister. She said she doesn’t normally like rhubarb but she loved the crumble. I think even my ears went red!

Laura turned up at lunch time with one of her maths buddies in tow (Shona) and we trooped off to the Indian for a spicy lunch. I am sorry to say I has jalfrezi. I know, I ought to try other items from the menu, but I do love jalfrezi. I got to know a bit more about Shona. As her name sort of implies, she is Irish originally but her folks moved to England when she was little. Her mum is a teacher and her Dad used to be a lecturer! Small world, eh? She is quite happy with the fact of Laura’s lesbianism even though she confesses to being straight herself (phew, that was huge relief, unless she’s bluffing). I can see why they get on so well, but they sort of reinforced my fears about me not sharing the same language as Laura when they discussed the exam they’d just endured. Swahili again!

Am I jealous of Shona? You bet your bloody life I am. Is she a threat? I think she may be… Look at Laura and me as an example: straight woman meets gay girl and straight woman has lesbian relationship with the gay girl. Mmm… Lightning does strike twice. Can I keep the green eyed monster at bay? I bloody hope so.

I left the two of them at Broomhill and went back to the office as worried as hell. Mrs Briggs spotted I was under a cloud and I explained to her (in her role as my alternative mother) what I had been thinking. She said what I had done was totally the right thing. If I loved Laura I had to trust her completely. If I didn’t I would sure as eggs drive her into Shona’s (or anyone else’s) arms. Arrgghh. I knew that. I knew that. It doesn’t make it any bloodier easier though. Plus it starts to put doubts into my mind. Had Laura really been nervous about her exam or had she been nervous about her relationship with Shona? OMG.

I ended up feeling really guilty as I had once spoken to an escort about starting escorting myself because I still hankered after a guy’s cock every once in a while and yet I was agonising about an innocent friendship between two mathematicians. I am obviously just a bloody hypocrite!  

If Laura hadn’t been at home when I got back I would have been desperate but she flung her arms round me as I walked in the door and kissed me just like this morning. “I want to fuck you now, Miss Jay. And I am not taking no for an answer!” She had our double ender and the strap-on waiting in the lounge (not the bedroom) and we spent about an hour and a half just enjoying ourselves.

At about 7.45 I said, “What about Dominic’s?”

She told me she’d phoned up when she got home and cried off tonight’s shift. Dom was good about it. He knows she is in the middle of her exams and, TBH, was surprised she wanted to work at all.

I am a bloody idiot, too. I can read people like a book, can’t I? A pages glued together book.

Shona, it seems is in the middle of dumping her current boyfriend and has just started with a new guy. She and Laura have been trying to get Shona into a more happy place than she is at the moment as her old BF is giving her grief and the new one has locked himself away for the duration of the exams! That was why she had come home and felt so grateful for the stability and security and the great sex that we have together. It was why she wanted to fuck me until I couldn’t take any more and for me to do the same to her.

She thinks she’s aced the exam, BTW. Her complete hand inside me means she has certainly aced the sex!

Thursday June 5^th

Laura’s penultimate exam day today.

My clitoris felt so swollen this morning. I hoped Laura’s teeth hadn’t caused any irreparable damage to my special little love bump. She promised to gently massage it better for me, immediately, and I can honestly say it is working fine, if feeling a little tender. In the same spirit of mutual support and helpfulness I can also say that hers is in fine fettle too.

We didn’t get to the pool until 6.30 and Sarah was getting a bit worried about us. I confided in her the truth. She was a little embarrassed at first but then asked us all sorts of frank questions which we answered truthfully and candidly. She ended with, “I think I ought to turn gay. It would certainly give my clit more of a work out that it is getting at the moment. I tell him often enough what it is and what it likes but he just gets on with pounding away…”

Laura said, “Well. You can always join us if you like…”

Sarah looked shocked and then laughed, “Well, you almost got me there. Good one!”

In the changing room asked Loll if she had been joking and she said “Of course I was. I am not sharing your special little love bump with anybody. So there!” I was so tempted to bury my head between her legs there and then (we have had sex in a changing cubicle here in the past) but I resisted the temptation. She did have an exam to do after we’d had our swim and breakfast.

I drove us both to Uni and Laura went of looking and feeling (I am sure) much more confident than she had yesterday morning. I tracked down Felice and we continued our exploration of Mediaeval documents which had been rendered by the multi-spectral imagining department into less illegible items.

Laura arrived at XXX & Y at lunchtime feeling extremely chipper and declared her exam a doddle. She had answered all the questions really well, she thought, and had enough time left to review each of her answers. In one she’d found a silly computational error which she was able to correct and that pleased her no end as well.

Mrs Briggs joined us (Laura, Feli and me) at the Lokanta Meze bar for lunch and had the lunch-time special along with us. She had a bit of news for Laura; she had found a month’s work of filing work if she wanted it to coincide with my full time month at XXX & Y too. I could tell Laura was pleased as it meant she wouldn’t have to spend the month with her folks back in Cumbria but she could still have her planned week with them and being paid pro-rata meant she’d be paid about £1000 after tax for the whole month! To say she was a happy bunny was an understatement.

Mrs B showed her what her job would entail after lunch while Feli and I continued our wind down of the operation until September. I am still a bit gob-smacked that we are getting the break but I am not quibbling, it means I can spend the summer in Australia as planned.

Laura pitched up at about 4 pm so we skived off for the rest of the day. I cooked our evening meal and 

then walked down with Laura and Callie to the restaurant. She had decided to keep going to Dominic’s during the month at the solicitors’ but doing only three nights a week instead of her usual amount, if Dom was agreeable with that arrangement. He feigned profound sorrow at her reduction in hours but was fine with it really. He told her that he knew when she started her final year he was on borrowed time with her at the restaurant anyway.

I did the same journey at the end of the night to collect Laura and instead of just wandering back up; we ended up have a long old gossip with Dom and his wife about life, the universe and everything. Well, mainly about what Laura would be doing after her finals.

She hasn’t decided yet. There will be a post grad. Careers fair at the start of the new academic year (as usual) and she was pinning her hopes on that for some direction. Dom did wonder if the part time job at XXX & Y might blossom into something more permanent, but unless she did a huge sideways step away from maths neither of us could see how that would work.

We talked about the same thing as we strolled back up the hill (OK, puffed and panted up the hill) back to my little house. She seriously does want to work in a field that will utilise her mathematical ability and she is determined NOT to go into teaching. Phew.

Travelling to Tewkesbury and an exam fatigued Laura.

Friday May 30th

Tewkesbury is a town worth exploring some more. It still has lots of very old (mediaeval looking) buildings and has bags of character. I had a character alongside me in bed when I woke up this morning and for a second or two I was surprised when it wasn't whom I was expecting. Felice had taken the place of Laura! I am a silly cow sometimes!

Luckily I was able to dissuade her from picking up a guy in the bar/cafe of the hotel for us both to fcuk last night. I think she made the suggestion to see how I would react. I told her I was fine with her having sex with one of the guests but she had to go and do it in his room, I wasn't going to join in. I think she was just putting temptation in my path because Laura was back in Sheffield. I hope she was, anyway. Once I had declared that there'd be no three-way bonking in the room I would be sleeping in she lost all interest in even trying to pick up a guy. [The selection was pretty poor to be honest - most of the single guys seemed to be middle aged or older and none of them looked very attractive, to my eyes at least.)

I did wake up at around 3 am to find that she had wrapped herself around me, which was kind of comforting. So I let her cuddle me and went back to sleep. At about 6 I was wide awake as usual and she had returned to her side of the bed and was still snoring softly. I used the time to grab a shower and then lay on the sofa reading my book until she stirred at just before 8 am.

After Feli had showered we decided to go to the local supermarket (Morrisons) for one of their big breakfasts. It would be cheaper than the hotel's breakfast and the place was just a few hundred yards away down the road. I had the full breakfast but swapped by black pudding for extra toast. Feli had the same but decided to try the black pudding. She thought it was disgusting and could see why I had swapped.

By now it was about 9.15 so we set off to try and find Mary Kindred's house from the directions she had given us. She lived just off the Gloucester Road, a short way past the Abbey, and we found the place quite easily. She was an oldish biddy, older than Mum not quite the same age as Gran. Her casket was quite tiny compared to the other ones we'd seen, measuring about 9 x 5 x 3. More of a small box really. This was quite exciting as it is the first one of this proportion we have ever seen. We did some sketches and took loads of photographs and drank gallons of tea, provided by Mary, plus she brought us mountains of home made cake.

She was a very sweet old lady and seemed genuinely glad of our company. She was pleased her box was of interest to us and found the idea that it might appear in a book, some time in the future, quite exciting. I explained all about our Ph.D research and how we had come across the caskets by accident but that we had decided to run with the caskets as separate work, unrelated to our Ph.D's, even though they were tenuously connected. She asked if we were allowed to do that and I explained that it was a case of what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over. With our academic work we are going to be given second and third author status, with a book about mediaeval embroidered caskets we might make some money but more importantly we would have a published work out side our field of study. I think she understood.

We'd driven past the Abbey to find Mrs Kindred and so after parting from her we drove back there, parked up and had a good old wander round this compact and bijou little church. I love being inside churches even though I am not in the slightest bit religious. I love liturgical music too for its beauty not the fairy tale sentiments. I was surprised by just how cute the place was really. They even have a renown choir school and choir based here. I bought a CD of the the choir singing stuff from the time of Elizabeth 1st. I even bought a DVD about a year in the life of the Abbey. I could tell Felice was getting restless after about an hour and half so we trooped off in search of a bite to eat.

If you ever visit Tewkesbury you must pay a visit to Crumpets Tea Room. This, like the Abbey itself is compact and bijou but equally as marvellous. We had a brilliant lunch; all home coked and made with local ingredients. The place is on St Mary's Lane, about 100 yards from the Abbey but tucked out of the way. We wouldn't even have noticed it if the woman in the Abbey shop hadn't mentioned how good it was when I was buying the CD & DVD. She was absolutely right. It has a wooden floor and oak beamed ceiling plus a huge fireplace, which wasn't in use of course. It was very cosy and very good.

After lunch we had another look through the town again and strolled down by the river. I got a bit confused about the river because I thought it was the Severn but it seems that the Avon is the one which flows though the town centre and the one which was close to the tea room. Which ever one it was it is very pretty.

We zoomed away from the town at about 5 pm and Felice did her mad French driver routine again all the way back, except for a couple of spots where the Friday night traffic was so heavy even her lane weaving couldn't make our progress any quicker. She dropped me at the end of our little lane at just before 8 pm. She decided she was going to head straight back home and go to sleep, rather than come in for a cuppa and a snack.

Laura was surprised I was back so late, she had been expecting me sooner than this. I had described our journey down and she expected more rally-driver speeds on the way home too. She had eaten her meal but actually offered to prepare something for me as an early supper. I said I could manage and went and made a bacon butty. This turned out to be three as I needed a second one and Laura, having smelled the bacon, decided she wanted one too.

Despite the fact I hadn't been driving or anything I felt pretty whacked and by the end of Have I Got New For You I was falling asleep. We let Callie out onto the back field, instead of taking her for a walk, and when she came in I had a shower and afterwards just flopped into bed. Zonked!

Saturday 31st May.

Out bright and early with Callie, who showered me with affection on the walk and wouldn't leave my side for ages, but just kept trotting alongside me and sniffing then licking my hand. (She does this a lot.) At the pool we regaled Sarah with tales of Tewkesbury and discovered this was yet another place our pool manager had never been to either. I had to confess that I was in the same boat until yesterday but it was definitely worth a longer visit.

I collected the morning papers from Sylv on the way back home and we spent a good hour reading through them and doing the crosswords (me) and killer su dokus (Laura).

Mum phoned at about 11 to tell me when Karen's funeral was and asked me if I wanted to go. This was a bit awkward, TBH, I mean I hardly really knew her. All my recollections of her are from my childhood. I said that if she wanted some moral support I would go along with her. It is next Friday at 2 pm and Laura has said she will come to give my moral support some moral support. Her last exam is on the following Monday, so a night or two away from home won't interrupt her schedule too much and I can show her my old home town. I explained all this to Mum and she was pleased that we'd be with her. She is going back to the little B & B she used near Woodbastwick and will book two rooms for next Friday.

Laura did some serious revision for next week's exams for a while this afternoon and I read some more of my new book. It's all about 1536 and is written by Dr Susannah Lipscombe! I am so impressed by the way she has turned scholarship into something which is historically accurate but reads like fiction. It is so accessible.

After our meal, Curry in a Hurry, Laura went off to the restaurant and I sat and finished Dr L's book. I have found a few more on Amazon and I have ordered a couple of them. I walked down with Callie to collect Laura at the end of the shift and got talking to Dominic about English Cathedrals. He is astounded that I am totally non-religious yet I go visiting churches and admiring them. I couldn't see a problem with that, I think he thought it was hypocritical or something but didn't have the vocabulary to say it.

I tried to tell him that although I couldn't go along with any of the fairy tales that all religions expound I can still be amazed at how far their delusions took our ancestors in terms of artistic and architectural achievement. I am still not sure he got it, though.

Laura was rushed off her feet at the restaurant and was glad we weren't taking Callie out for a long evening walk, we just climbed the hill and hit the bathroom. I ran Laura a bath and she promised not to pull me in with her this time if I stayed and washed her again. I asked if she thought a night cap would be a good thing to have in the bath, she said Yes , so I scampered downstairs and brought us up a glass each of Calvados (which she loves). When I got back into the room she had laid back in the water and fallen asleep. The poor mite must've been knackered.

I stepped in to the bath with her and proceeded to give her a vigorous scrubbing with the mitt. She did the same for me, then she turned around and I washed her back and she returned that favour too. We dried each other gently with three huge bath sheets and I did the talc routine which we'd tried last week. She fell asleep during the application of the powder. This caused me a little bit of concern, maybe she was overdoing it with all the revision and then the restaurant and me dragging her up steep hills late at night instead of fetching her in the car. We'll have to talk about it tomorrow.

Sunday June 1st.

I left Laura to have a lie-in this morning and pottered about getting lunch prepped. She put in an appearance at about 10.30 looking like death warmed up. I asked if she was OK and she said she was still feeling a bit tired. Seeing my concern she went on to tell me that she had been worried about me going down to Tewkesbury with  Felice, not in a sexual way but because she knew how bad a driver Felice was. I hadn't helped on Thursday night when I had phoned and told her how we had driven almost all the way down at around 90 mph. I had realised she was so worried by Feli's crappy driving.

It turns out she decided to stop herself worrying on Thursday night by staying up all night getting serious revision in for next weeks exams. She had not gone to bed at all until I came back on Friday evening. Apparently we both fell asleep in front of the TV on Friday night but she had woken up before me so I didn't notice. When I had crashed in bed after my shower I had been so dead to the world that I hadn't woken up when she got into bed and hugged me like her teddy for a while. We fell asleep like that and she woke up at about two o'clock and returned me to my normal sleeping position.

I told her we must have a day of doing nothing then so we could both get our sleeping patterns back to normal. She had a better idea, we could just go back to bed, make love then sleep and every time we woke we could make love again.

That is what we did until about five in the afternoon when hunger and thirst drove us down to the kitchen in search of sustenance. I'm not sure if it made any difference to our sleeping but it was certain the most sexed up we've been for a while. (It reminded me of what it was like before she moved in with me, when we did meet up (usually at my house) we would stay in bed all day and make ourselves sore from so much sex.)

In order to stay awake until bedtime we watched a couple of our backlogged programmes from the PVR. Bloody hell, "Happy Valley" is good. We had three episodes to catch up on and I was just stunned. If Sarah Lancashire doesn't get a Bafta for her performance in this next year, then there is no justice in the world. The bit where the woman PC was murdered was so horrible and yet so compelling. We both cried. I loved the fact that Sally Wainwright had included a Macbeth reference when the PC was killed, with her, "They've killed me..." echoing Macduff's son's words when Macbeth's minions slaughter the entire family.

I left the Lollster to warm the bed up when I took Callie out for her last walk and I was expecting to find her pushing the zeds when we got back. I was surprised to find her, in bed, propped up on one elbow with a wicked grin on her face, saying, "...fancy another go?"

So we did.